Until We Meet Again

I've decided to stop posting on this blog for now. I might return sometime in the future, but for now I need to focus on prayer and discernment. Please keep me in your prayers!

Pax Christi!

Saints

“For me not only a few great saints whom I love and whom I know well are “signposts”, but precisely also the simple saints, that is, the good people I see in my life who will never be canonized. They are ordinary people, so to speak, without visible heroism but in their everyday goodness I see the truth of faith. This goodness, which they have developed in the faith of the Church, is for me the most reliable apology of Christianity and the sign of where the truth lies.”
— Pope Benedict XVI on the goodness of ordinary people

My mother has always pointed out the connections between saints who lived in the same area, at the same time. Such as St. Turibus who confirmed St. Rose of Lima in the faith. St Rose was also influenced by St. Martin of Porres saintly acts. Or Don Bosco and Dominic Savio. Clare and Francis of Assisi. And I've often wondered if those holy men and women knew that their friends, family members, or acquaintances were saints. Were they aware of how greatly that person was connected to God?
Sometimes I really think some of my friends are well on their way to becoming saints. Their love of God shines so brightly through them, that I fall in love with Him again. Their conversations center on Christ. I'm blessed to know these people, blessed to have them in my life. I try to be like them, I want to closeness to God that they have and I glimpse when talking to them.

And I met these people through one place: the apostolate for family consecration. This place is so wonderful, truly like a meeting of heaven and earth. I'm thank God for the blessing this organization has been in my faith life, especially in allowing me to meet these friends.

Pax Christi!

Desiring to Please

This prayer speaks the words that are really on my heart during this time of waiting.

Prayer of Thomas Merton

My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me
Nor do I really know myself,
And the fact that I think I am following Your will
Does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please You
Does in fact please You.
And I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this,
You will lead me by the right road
Though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust You always though,
I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. * I will not fear, for You are ever with me,
And You will never leave me to face my struggles alone.

Blessings

I'm thankful for the sun. I'm thankful that I don't have a need to be out working in the heat. I'm thankful that God has a plan for me that is better than what I can think up. I'm thankful for my mother who just listened to me as I thought out loud about what will happen in my future. I'm thankful for friends who understand. I'm thankful for emails filled with exclamation points. I'm thankful for prayers from friends in convents. I'm thankful for the Eucharist. I'm thankful that I have food to eat. I'm thankful that nothing on earth is permanent but God's love. I'm thankful for water. I'm thankful for advanced science that made benadryl possible. I'm thankful for caffeine. I'm thankful for the anticipation of a long phone call with a dear friend.
I'm thankful of everywhere I've been and everything that has happened that has brought me to this place. I'm thankful for the hope for a future lived with God.
Today, I think I'm learning what it means to be still and know that He is God.

Pax Christi!

Home

Alone, again. Sometimes, she felt like she lived in the mirror. There were people around, but she was unable to reach out to them, unable to connect. The others were talking amongst themselves, but she couldn't hear a word. A few who looked to be her age were giggling and whispering. Clearly enjoying themselves. She was present, but so removed from whatever was going on. What was going on? She really didn't know why she was there...
Silently and unnoticed by anyone she slipped out the door. Quickly she walked down the main street, not thinking about where she was going. It was instinctive. She opened the one door of the church that was left unlocked and stepped into the sanctuary. Immediately she breathed a sigh of relief.
He was here. Everything was alright. This was the one place she felt loved. This was the one place she was convinced she wasn't crazy. How could the rest of the world live without this, without Him?
Here she was home.

Forgiveness

So I'm realizing something. Forgiveness does not just consist in saying "I forgive you." Forgiveness does not mean being able to talk to the person again. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting that you were hurt. Forgiveness does not mean not hurting any more.
Forgiveness means caring about the person despite what they did. Forgiveness means being hurt but not blaming them anymore. Forgiveness means loving the person again. Sometimes that love is not enough to heal the relationship. But it is enough by itself.

Pax Christi!

Relics of Love

I just went to a relic exhibition. I've never been a huge fan of relics. I LOVE the saints. Pretty much I grew up reading their stories and fell in love. Because of the books my parents had in the house, I never thought of the saints as anything but ordinary people I could connect with. But relics are often parts of dead people and that I find disturbing. I shivered with disgust when Father mentioned disintegrating flesh. I just don't like that image.
But the miracles. The stories. The people who lived such extraordinary lives. The love. That is what relics are about. Relics are about how God uses what is dead to bring life into people again. God chooses to point back to the people who spent their lives pointing to Him. He changes people.
It was overwhelming. I wish I could go again so everything would sink in further. So I could read every single plaque with the story of each of those saints.
These are love stories. These are ordinary people transformed by God's grace and love. It is so overwhelming.

Gluten Free!

I've been gluten free for 9 and a half days now. And I think it is helping already. I'm happy and sad saying that. I love pasta, pizza, and other "normal" food. But not being sick, that is worth not eating sandwiches ever again. I though I would care more, I really thought that I would hate it. But giving up things that are bad for you is never quite as hard as you think.
Giving up the half hour of facebook or tv shows to pray is not going to be a painful sacrifice. It will be worth it, I know. Or later, giving up romantic relationships to make space in my life for a deeper relationship with Jesus will be worth it. Giving up things however innocent they may be that don't make me spiritually healthy will make my life better. I just need the courage to try it.

Pax Christi!

Suffering is Love

"My daughter, do not weep, for I cannot bear your tears. I will grant you everything you ask for, but stop crying."
I read this line spoken by Jesus to Sr. Faustina yesterday evening. I think that is when it started to sink in. Jesus cares about my pain. I've always known this in my head, but during the past couple of years have really had a hard time understanding it in my heart. Whenever things get stressful and I'm upset, I find praying to be a struggle. He has the power to end my suffering, so why doesn't He?
As I'm reading the Diary of St. Faustina, He is working a change in my heart. Suffering is love, the opportunities He gives me to suffer are opportunities for me to demonstrate my love to Him.

Pax Christi!

Understanding God

The more I look back over the past couple years, the more I realize how many people are no longer in my life. Some we merely grew apart. Others live far away and we didn't stay in touch. Some abruptly were cut off for various reasons. But one person has always been there. My mom.
She was there when I went off to college and my stuff got lost moving in. She was there when I decided a few months later that college wasn't for me. She supported me when I told her I was in a relationship and when it ended. She is there to listen and offer advice whether the problem is with school, work, friends or life decisions.

Recently, I've been thinking about how our earthly relationships help us to understand and relate to God. The reason we use terms like father and son, Jesus our brother, Jesus as a lover is because those are human ways of relating to other people. My having older brothers who were there to give advice, protect me and explain things to me, gave me an understanding of Jesus as my brother. My best friend, the person I told everything to, helped me to learn to confide in Him.
But stronger than either of these is the idea of a mother's love. Isaiah wrote "Can a mother forget her child and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!" (49:15) The only reason I can understand God's infinite love in any capacity is because I first experienced a similar love from my mother.
So this mother's day, I'm thanking God for blessing me so abundantly. Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

Pax Christi!

6 am

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I like being up at 6am this morning. I've always appreciated being the only one awake. This comes from a time when my house was brimming over with people and quiet was unheard of. Now quiet is fairly common, but I still like sitting in my room or outside late at night. Having quiet conversations with my God.
Today though, I'm up at 6 am, an "ungodly hour" as it is usually said. But I'm finding that it is like being up late at night- only the morning is full of hope and promise. It is an hour filled with God's presence, just like every other hour of the day. Sitting at the table with a cup of coffee, I just was with Him.
I was already planning on waking up earlier this summer. Preparation for whatever community I might be called to join (since almost all of them start prayer before 8 am) Now though I'm actually looking forward to more mornings like this. Thank you, Jesus!

Pax Christi!

A Unique Love

So I recently finished reading He and I and am now moving on to St. Faustina's Diary. (I have a feeling that this will take a bit longer than the two months for He and I.) One thing struck me right away was how different the relationships I'm reading about are. Both women were very close to God and conversed with Him in a intimate way. Yet the way He speaks to them are so drastically different. His love is different. And His love continues to be discriminate.

He loves me in a unique way. The way He reaches out to me is not the same as any other person in existence or in history or in the future. He made me individual so He reaches out in the way that is best for me. And as I grow, so does He, like Aslan in the Narnia books. I can never outgrow God, even though at 20 I've outgrown other friends.

If you haven't read St. Faustina's Diary (which is intimidating in size) I think you should pick it up. Read a few lines. It is a beautiful love story.

Now I'm just waiting to read my own love story.

Pax Christi!

Fruits of Silence

"A sacrifice to be real must cost, must hurt, must empty ourselves. The fruit of silence is prayer, the fruit of prayer is faith, the fruit of faith is love, the fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace."

I want to return to silence, not because I love silence itself, but for what it does in me. So I'm starting right now.

Mercy

"When I look into the future, I am frightened,
But why plunge into the future?
Only the present moment is precious to me,
As the future may never enter my soul at all.

It is no longer in my power,
To change, correct or add to the past;
For neither sages nor prophets could do that.
And so, what the past has embraced I must entrust to God.

O present moment, you belong to me, whole and entire.
I desire to use you as best I can.
And although I am weak and small,
You grant me the grace of your omnipotence.

And so, trusting in Your mercy,
I walk through life like a little child,
Offering You each day this heart
Burning with love for Your greater glory."

Mercy Sunday has been celebrated in some way by my family for years. We've said the divine mercy novena for as long as I can remember. I've talked about it before, done research on St. Faustina because she is a distant relative. But today I started reading the diary for the first time, interested in what the feast is all about. The above passage was the first thing I read. I was amazed...those words were what I needed to hear. I was worrying over something I said yesterday. But the past is the past. Jesus's mercy covers all.

What is mercy? I asked my little sister that question and she used the definition from VeggieTales: mercy is giving a second chance to someone who doesn't deserve it. I couldn't think of anything better so I looked it up. The first meaning is compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm. Another is an event to be grateful for, esp. because its occurrence prevents something unpleasant or provides relief from suffering. I've gotten that second chance, that overwhelming forgiveness from God that changed my life.

I feel kinda silly in not learning more about this before. But I'm excited to read the rest of Faustina's diary! Side note because of the news reports: May God have mercy on the soul of Osama BinLaden.

Pax Christi!