God So Loved the World

Just thought I'd share this video tonight.

Potential

Everything has the potential for eternity.
Think about that. Everything. I heard this phrase a couple of weeks ago. It has popped in my mind 100 times since.
Everything has the potential for eternity. I can't wrap my mind around that concept. Everything. Every word I speak to another person. Every word I write on Facebook.
Everything.
Eternity is just as hard, if not harder to grasp. The one sarcastic jibe I use to hurt someone today doesn't just have an effect in that moment. So too, a smile or kind word can start a chain of events, leading the person back to God.
Just think about it for a moment.
Everything has the potential for eternity.

Pax Christi!

Family Fun

"Suffering passes, but the fact of having suffered never leaves us." -Leon Bloy

So my family has been through a lot together. Like most people, I got through times when I just want to get away from them. Family are the ones who know what annoys you the most, right?
These past three days have been wonderful though. We made homemade pizza, watched a marathon of movies, laughed, had photo shoots. I didn't once feel like I had to get away and have a break. I genuinely enjoyed spending time with them. I think it is because of the hard times that we are this close. That we can enjoy this time together.
And we have this time, because of the snow. So this is just one more reason I love snow.

Pax Christi!

Conversion and Forgiveness

So today at Mass, Father talked about the conversion of St. Paul among other things. In his ten minute homily he managed to hit on all the things in my life that I've been struggling with or ignoring. One of the many things that really struck me was his statement that those who have a conversion become more powerful witnesses to the faith than those who are always faithful. I messed up when I went away to school. I've been to confession, but the guilt is still there. I've always liked the quote by Teresa of Avila, "To reach something good, it is very useful to have gone astray, and thus acquire experience." But for some reason it never sank in that is what happened to me. I acquired experience, I fell away but I came back. By the end of the homily, I was in tears. It was so moving. God was clearly showing me His love and forgiveness in that moment. Praise be to Him, now and forever!

Pax Christi!

Life

Right now I'm living life to the fullest, every moment. Or to put it another way, I'm sucking the life out of every moment I can. Late nights and early-ish mornings. My days are filled with school, Mass, work and homework. I'm trying to squeeze in time with friends, blogging, and so many other interests. Everything is going well. I haven't felt this at peace with all aspects of my life for over two years. Its been tough at times, I honestly didn't think I'd ever be ok again. But I am.
So I just want to leave a message to anyone who is going through a hard time right now. I want you to know you can make it through. With God all things are possible. One day you'll be able to look back over this time and see how much you grew from the trials. Until then just hold on!

Pax Christi!

We Will Not Forget

Today my news feed on Facebook is filled with stati like these:
"Today January 22, 2011 marks the 38th anniversary of Roe V. Wade. This decision has caused over 53,000,000 innocent human beings to lose their lives to voluntary pregnancy terminations (abortions). Today I am changing my status for life, to stand in unity with other pro-lifers against this horrible tragedy. Stand with me for life, copy and paste this status for one hour today."
"Every baby should have the same chance that their parent's were given. Every baby should have a chance to love and be loved......period."
"Today we remember the 50 million or so children who, under the guise of a "right-to-privacy," were stripped of their right to life. Proud to be pro-life."
"‎Since 1973, 1/3 of my generation has been killed by the slaughter of abortion. My classmates, my friends, my generation. I will not allow future generations to suffer this fate in the name of convenience. I will not be silent, I will not forget, I will not compromise."

My friends and I mourn for our generation. First for the innocents who were killed. Think about how often you feel alone, wish you had someone to talk to. What if the person who should have been there for you was one killed by abortion? What if the person who was to find the cure for breast cancer was aborted? And the person who would discover life on another planet? The next great musician? The people who died would have been my classmates, my friends, my neighbors, my coworkers.
But today is also a day to pray for the mothers, fathers and others involved in this decision. It could not have been an easy decision to abort their baby. I'm sure their lives haven't gotten easier since either. So pray that they may be able to find healing, forgiveness, and peace.

Pax Christi!

My Continuing Search for Peace

Today was a wonderful day. I got my grades back from my first quiz and assignment, which was a great reassurance that I'm adjusting fine to being back in school. Someone said hey to me across the cafeteria. It seems like such a small thing, but it is a huge step considering until yesterday I hadn't talked to any of my classmates yet. I went to Mass and listened to yet another wonderful homily. Entwined with this wonderful sense of joy about how life is going in this moment was another feeling.

The homily, centered on how we are to give our lives to God as part of the lay priesthood, brought up so many thoughts about Familyland. It seems every time I am "on track" spiritually I return to thinking about that place. As I walked out of the chapel I was wondering, "Where will I be going after I graduate? What am I going to do with my life?" I managed to drown out those thoughts with lunch, music, homework and class. When I got home I saw a video a friend made about Catholic Familyland. She had been trying to upload it for a while, but it took until today. As I watched the pictures and read the quotes from those whose lives have been changed, I was nearly brought to tears. I don't know where I would be today without this Apostolate and the friends I've made there. But more than that, I want to be part of a ministry that has this impact. A ministry that provides a spiritual support system to teenagers, faith formation for children, a spiritual retreat for adults; a ministry that changes lives and families.

It has been 3 and a half months since I first thought about visiting the lay ministry behind this Apostolate, the Catholic Corps. I'm even more positive now that this is the next step on my search for peace. It might not be where I'm called, but for some reason or another I think this is the next step either way. So I'll continue to walk the path I'm on until I can go on a look-see.

Pax Christi!

Daily Mass

Finally I found the daily mass at my new school. The priest was out of state until today. I was the only student there, everyone else in the room most likely qualifies for a senior citizen discount. I'm exaggerating, but only slightly. There were about ten people present. Few decorations or ornamentations marked the room as a place of worship. There was a simple set of the stations of the cross, the tabernacle in the corner, and one rather boring stained glass window showing the changing seasons. There was no music. Somehow, all of this added up to one of the most beautiful masses I've been to in a long while. The feeling of intimacy, of a close connection with our Lord was palpable. I could imagine that the first Eucharist took place in a room not much bigger than the one I was in, simple and yet in that moment, transformed by the miracle transpiring.
I don't know what it is about daily mass, but I often am more aware of the supernatural events taking place. Who am I that the God Who created everything in the universe should care this much about me? Not only did He die for me, but He now waits for me everyday, here in this little, unadorned room. Why? And He gives Himself to me as nourishment to get me through the struggles of life? How can I even comprehend a love this great?

Pax Christi!

I'll Stand By You

For me, singing is one of the most powerful forms of prayer. Just pouring my thoughts and emotions out, using someone else's words because my own always fall so short of what I really want to say. Different songs speak to me at different times. Right now I love the song I'll Stand By You, by the Pretenders. (I especially like when the songs that inspire me spiritually happen to be secular.) It seems as though God is speaking to me through the words of the song.

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now


Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'cause I've seen the dark side too

When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less


I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now


Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you

When you're standing at the crossroads
Don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'cause even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you

Pax Christi!

God is Love

I love this thought. I feel like the past two years have been filled with situations I should have handled differently, words I shouldn't have said, wounds self-inflicted, bad habits, ungrateful moments. I may have been forgiven and healed, but at times the scars ache. I feel unlovable and unworthy. And yet, in spite of that, He loves me.

Far From The Home I Love

Can you imagine traveling across the globe and joining another culture? A culture with no television, no computers, no cell phones, little if any contact with the modern world? A culture where everything is shared in common, no personal possessions? A culture so drastically different from the one you grew up in and far from the people you know?
This is the change one makes in joining a convent. You may not travel across the world, but the distance between your old life and your new one is the same. Two of my friends have entered convents. Another very close friend will be entering in a few months. I'm thrilled for her. Listening to her talk about the convent and the sisters there, I can hear how much she feels at home there. I'm already aware of how in love she is with the Lord. At the same time though, I'm losing a dear friend. I won't see her for several years; no phone calls, no letters, nothing.
So I'm thinking about what it would be like to make that transition myself. To leave behind this world I've grown up in and the people I love to follow my call. I can't imagine it.
Yet at the same time, I'm still searching for the place I feel at home. If I found it, would that be feeling be enough to persuade me to go? It reminds me of the dilemma Hodel faced in Fiddler on the Roof. She had always loved her family, but a new love superseded the first. Though she was torn she had to go "where her heart had settled long ago." So I continue this pursuit of peace, searching for where my heart has gone ahead.

Pax Christi!

Maybe Our Love Will Catch Like Fire

In my post, In Search of Peace: You Are Amazing, I wrote about my friends who, by their witness and example, encourage me to be a better person. Unfortunately, I often lack the courage to take that first step, to go up to a stranger and tell them that they are amazing. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm so hesitant about approaching people I don't know.
So this concept of practicing simple acts of kindness has been on my mind often. I haven't worked up the nerve to actually put it into practice more than once or twice (with the exception being at work, since it is part of my job). Today in my psychology class though, my professor brought up the same concept. Each day in class we are invited to share an act of kindness that we have performed and there is some related paper due at the end of the semester. I was excited that this is part of my class material. It gives me the little extra push to act.
So I invite anyone reading this to join me. Sometime this week perform one act of kindness- compliment a stranger, say "God bless you!" to the cashier, thank the janitor for the work they do, any little thing at all. If we do maybe our love, the love of Christ in us, will catch like fire. Wouldn't that be a great sight?

Pax Christi!

Day One

I'm watching, or rather listening to an episode of Gilmore Girls, trying to write this blog, writing a list for tomorrow, on Facebook in between, and researching for a paper. I'm definitely back at school. For some reason whenever I sit down to do homework, it takes herculean effort for me to stay on one task. I'm excited for the prospects at this new school. My classes have a little less than 20 people in each, enough to have good discussions without having too many people.
The first class of the day got me very excited. Each person was asked to share what area of psychology they are studying or will go into. From the 16 people in the room 14 different answers were given. From hospitals to forensics, advertising to counseling, education to abnormal psych- there are just so many opportunities and interesting fields to choose from.
I do miss having friendly faces at school. I'm not an outgoing person and getting the courage to initiate a conversation may take a little while. It was a fairly good first day anyway. The best part was sitting in the chapel. I was waiting for mass (which didn't happen, for whatever reason) and had a great sense of peace. The door was open, I could hear all the hustle and bustle of the cafeteria, but it was quiet. That moment put my day into focus. This is a great opportunity, a chance to start over, try again at college and do it right. And part of doing it right is finding a way to live my faith out at this college. Finding my niche and making a difference. So as I adjust to the crazy, multitasking, early mornings, late nights of college life again, I'm keeping that purpose in mind.

Pax Christi!

Planning for Heaven

Today has been a very productive day. My list of things to do before college starts is down to the one or two things that are not absolutely necessary. I bought my laptop, was orientated, got my student id and parking permit. My books are almost all purchased and have been arriving at my door. More than that though I'm ready mentally. I feel prepared to take these classes, to meet knew people, to enter a place where I don't know a single soul. That is a really scary thought. I've followed my three older brothers around most of my life. There are very few things I've done in my life that I didn't watch them do first (and some, like touching a snake, that I wouldn't do even after they did!) As big a step as this is, I'm ready.
Now that I'm thinking about all the research, planning, thought and preparation that I went through to get to this point I wonder, "Why don't I put this much effort into the most important area of my life?" I am only this thorough when I'm nervous about a situation. I don't spend time thinking about the best way to pray. Or mentally prepare myself before going to Mass. I research major decisions, but do I pray about them too? Why don't I plan to get to heaven the way I plan to get through college?
So now that this chapter of planning is over, it is time to start planning for heaven.

Pax Christi!

I'll Still Love You

Tonight I came home discouraged from work. Nothing had gone terribly wrong, but I wasn't happy with myself. I should have stood up for my friend when others were talking about her, I shouldn't have assumed someone was trying to be obnoxious, I should have had more patience with customers, I should have gotten more done, etc. It was just one of those days when I didn't live up to who I am supposed to be.
A link from Facebook led me to youtube, where I found this song.



The chorus held just the message I needed to hear from God. "I'll still love you beyond what words can say. I'll take your every suffering moment and bring a better day." It doesn't matter how much I mess up, how many times I choose to ignore Him or do my own thing, He still loves me. That will never cease to amaze me.

You Are Amazing

"You are unique, wonderful, and amazing."
I first heard this line repeated by one of my friends over two years ago. I thought it was lame. Just another line that speakers like to repeat until they are meaningless.
About two months later I heard Justin Fatica use that phrase in his talk. I smiled recognizing it, but again thought this is another talk that won't apply to me. (I had spent hours upon hours listening to speakers that summer.) By the middle of the talk though, I was in tears. The words he spoke struck me deeply. I went home and changed something I was doing. Not only that but two years later I still remember the message he preached.
What was this great life-changing mission? Everyone needs to know that they are amazing, that they have value, that they have a specific role in this world, that they are irreplaceable. Justin challenged those of us at the conference, who know this truth, who have good families, who know the faith- to spread this message. To be the one in school who stands up for others, to let those around us know they are amazing. At least, that is the message I got.
I may not have made huge changes, but I got involved in my youth group again. I stopped asking what can I get out of this friendship or that activity, but how can I be there for others, how can I be Christ to them.
"You are unique, wonderful, and amazing."
I was further challenged by this same line this December. I went to NYC with a group of great friends. We wandered the streets, saw the sights, sang Christmas carols, and had a blast. One of the guys, Daniel, has been working with Justin in his ministry. He told everyone they were amazing, the vendors on the street, the homeless woman begging for money, the cashier in Starbucks, our waitress, the people on the subway, even the woman dressed as a toilet in Charmin's restrooms. Sometimes people smiled or said thank you, one guy told him to shut up. But overall he brightened so many people's days, just by saying three simple words.
I want to do that. I don't have the confidence to go up to strangers and tell them I think they are amazing quite yet. But that is my goal. I've seen how it brightens lives, and had a few simple words brighten mine as well. So, that is my new year's resolution....to let people know they are amazing just the way they are!

Pax Christi!

Oh, Darling

On New Year's Eve I listened to my sister and two of her friends talk about Taylor Swift songs. All three of them are enamored with the popular artist. One song though, Never Grow Up, they laughed at. For those of you who aren't Taylor Swift fans, the 21 year old singer is warning younger girls not to grow up too fast. As she moves into her own apartment, she is wishing she didn't have to grow up.
I looked at the three girls, giggling on the couch and thought, "You have no idea what you are talking about." The words of the song seemed so perfectly to fit the three of them. They are 14, everything sends them into fits of giggles. There is so little in their life that they can regret. They can't wait to grow up and get on with their lives.
I'm only 5 years older, it doesn't sound like much, but all of a sudden these girls seemed so little. I haven't moved out yet, but I am making my own decisions. I'm making decisions and managing college, work, health insurance, bills, and am in control of my life. I have regrets and there are certainly days when I wished I hadn't grown up.
It was such a weird feeling, seeing myself as a grown up. I may be an adult and doing things on my own, but I definitely don't feel like one. I just wish I could convince my sister and her friends that they should never grow up.


Pax Christi!

Back Burner

I'm not really big on New Year's Resolutions. Nothing against them, I just prefer to use Lent as a time to change my life around. It works better. But I am reflecting on the past and preparing for the future.
2010 was filled with changes for me. I'm amazed at where I am now and how I got here. There were times when I really didn't know how I'd get through everything that was going on. But somehow, with the grace of God, I did.
Now it is 2011. I already know there will be changes at work with my beloved manager leaving and another store's manager coming in. At the same time I'm starting classes at a new school. Deciding where I'm going in life is on the back burner.
One the back burner, but the burner is turned on low. It is like cooking a big holiday meal. The oven is full and the stove is covered in pots. You are constantly stirring the gravy and cranberries so they don't burn. The potatoes though are on the back burner. They are still cooking. You don't check them as often, but you are aware they are there.
My future is on my mind, every once in a while I think, "Hmm I wonder what I'll be doing 5 years from now," or "I want to check out this community or that order," and even "I know I want to get married." It is nice that it is on the back burner though. I'm not stressing about it, or even figuring out what the next step is in my search. Right now I'm just living in the current moment, or at least the current month. It is nice.

Pax Christi!