Peace

There are so many thoughts pouring through my mind since the retreat. I can't even begin to put them into words. I want to, but for once, I can't say a thing. Funny, since I couldn't stop talking on the retreat. But it is what it is. I'm joyful. I'm at peace. Which is weird, because I'm in the middle of thinking through many things and trying to make a life-changing decision. But somehow in the midst of that, I'm at peace inside. It is a wonderful grace.
So instead of writing more about the retreat, I'm going to share a picture I took of the Person Who made it possibly the best weekend of my life.

Story of Your Life

I listen to a lot of music. This song is reminding me of how real the decision I am making right now is. This is my life...not that I am anywhere near saintly, but I've read the stories of saints. The decision they made seem so easy when you read them. Now I'm thinking about how hard it must have been for Clare to follow Francis or Teresa of Avila to leave her order to found another.



Pax Christi!

Popcorn Confessions

Discernment is confusing. You are constantly going against the culture, against expectations, peer pressure, your own desires. Sometimes it is impossible to tell which road is right.
In contrast though, life as a religious is often seen as easier. There aren't the same temptations or murky situations that you find in the world. For example take Bishop Fulton Sheen's famous quote, "Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn." These people spend their lives in constant communication with God, of course their sins are smaller.
I doubt I'll ever get to that point, but I'm hoping that in some small way this journey will get easier in time. Or at least simpler.

Pax Christi!

More Beautiful

I'm back from my retreat and trying to settle back into life. It isn't easy. Anyway here is a song I heard on the retreat for the first time. It made me cry.



Pax Christi!

Retreating

I'd love to write a post, but I really need to get to bed... so here are a few quick thoughts I have about this retreat I'm going on.

I love these people. The girls who attend the retreats are so wonderful. The women who run the apostolate are amazing, holy, hilarious people. And the guys (who I'll see after or before the retreat) are the best guys you'll ever meet.
"Fly from bad companions as from the bite of a poisonous snake. If you keep good companions, I can assure you that you will one day rejoice with the blessed in Heaven; whereas if you keep with those who are bad, you will become bad yourself, and you will be in danger of losing your soul."
-St John Bosco

I learned this from Jordan, who I met at this retreat two years ago. The way she talked about Jesus I felt He was sitting right there with us on the floor. That really changed the way I thought about prayers.

"For prayer is nothing else than being on terms of friendship with God." -St Teresa of Avila

Thank you, Aquinas, for making me feel less guilty for not completing my homework and taking the time off work to see friends.

"It is requisite for the relaxation of the mind that we make use, from time to time, of playful deeds and jokes." -St Thomas Aquinas

But most of all this is why I am going, to get away from all the noise, and just talk to Jesus in the Eucharist.

"In a world where there is so much noise, so much bewilderment, there is a need for silent adoration of Jesus concealed in the Host. Be assiduous in the prayer of adoration and teach it to the faithful. It is a source of comfort and light, particularly to those who are suffering."
-Pope Benedict XVI

Please pray for me while I'm driving to Ohio and on retreat. You will all be in my prayers! Pax Christi!

A Hundred Hearts

I wanted to share the only valentine I've ever gotten (discounting the ones from relatives) Unfortunately a picture would reverse the text and not capture it well. So I recreated it here as best I could. Please pass this valentine on to everyone this Valentine's Day. (Either share the link or copy and paste it elsewhere)

Arise, My love, My fair one,
And come away...
O My dove, in the cleft of the rock,
In the covert of the cliff,
Let Me see your face,
Let Me hear your voice,
For your voice is sweet,
And your face is beautiful.

Happy Valentine's Day!
With all of My heart...forever,
Your Jesus

Only Human

I'm human. In case you didn't know. Right now I'm just realizing it. I'm trying so hard to get everything accomplished, to be everything. I'm going to Mass, I'm working out, I'm trying to get back in the habit of saying the rosary and praying through out the day. I'm taking a management role at work, studying constantly to keep my scholarships. Tonight I realized, it isn't worth it.
These things are all great. But trying to do everything and be everywhere is getting ridiculous. I'm so stressed out I'm no good to anyone, especially God. How can I reach out to others if my life has just become a list of things to do? I have no time to listen to a friend, try to be an example to coworkers, or just sit in the chapel.
As a chronic overachiever, I know that changing will be hard. So I'm going to try this for one week and see how it goes. I'm not going to go to the gym unless I happen to get to school early. I'm not waking up tomorrow early to get a jump start on homework. I'm not studying for my open book test. I'll read the chapters once and that is it. I'll try to get to mass, but if I don't I'll just spend a few minutes in the chapel. I'm going to try to reach out to the people I know are having a hard time, write the letters to people I haven't responded to. I'm going to spend less time checking things of my list and more time listening to what God wants me to do in each moment. And I'll trust Him with working out the details.

Pax Christi!

Pedro's Prayer

I just stumbled across this quote from a holy person I've never heard of, Blessed Pedro Castroverde. I've been saying a prayer like this in my own words for a while now, especially when dealing with situations at work, where I am very uncertain of how God would want me to handle things.

"Lord, may I think what you want me to think. May I desire what you want me to desire. May I speak as you want me to speak. May I work as you want me to work."

Pax Christi!

Love Song

As Valentine's Day approaches, stores fill with red and pink hearts. Stores are filled with chocolates and flowers, the "perfect" gifts. Radio stations play love songs.
I'm listening to a love song, one written just for me. It is the sounds of my family talking in the other room. It is the sound of the phone ringing, a surprise call from a friend. It is the giggling of girls on a retreat. But Jesus does not just use sounds in this love song. There are colors...the dark blue of night as I left campus late, the pink sky I see when I wake up early, the bright white of snow covering the ground. Oh so many details go into this love song. The nights of tears and the moments of overwhelming joy. Each moment, He is singing to me, the words I need to hear, if only I listen. But not only to me, to each person because He loves us each as if there was only one person on earth.
How can I ever return such a love?

Pax Christi!

Beautiful, Majestic, Enduring Church- or Not?

Today I saw the Catholic Church through the eyes of someone with no religion. I heard the Church talked about as if it was refusing to acknowledge the reality of our times. The Church, in this person's eyes, is old-fashioned, filled with ideals that are incompatible with today's world.
I never really thought about the image of the Church that others have. I know the image I see, but is that the image I show to others? To the people at school, I could be the only part of the Church they meet. What do I say about the Church?

Pax Christi!

Thanks and Prayer

Today I woke up early. I went to Mass, worked out, read a inspirational book. I studied for my test until I was confident I knew the material. I attended classes and paid attention. I accomplished everything I intended to do at the start of the day. That's a great feeling to have.
As I started to write I was thinking, "God, what do I have to say besides thank you for a day like this?" But why do I feel the urge to thank Him more on the good days? I've seen in my own life the greater effects that come from adversity. I know they are blessings, perhaps even more so than the miracles we pray for. But that truth doesn't seem to sink in. How often do I thank God for His flawless plan on the days when I am tired and sore and miserable? I'm struggling to remember if I've even done it once.
Another train of thought was about my prayer life. I've heard it said that people come to church more in times of adversity. For me, I feel the opposite is true. It is easy to come to God when things are good. I can open my heart to Him, and just be at peace. But when things are going wrong, whether it be in my family or at work or just internally I shy away from prayer. It isn't easy. I don't want to see another perspective on the situation, or know how I could be better dealing with it, I don't even want to acknowledge it is there. And that means abandoning God. Today, since prayer comes easier I'm going to pray for the strength to continue my prayer life when times get hard again, whether it be tomorrow or next year.

Pax Christi!

The One HE Madly Loves

I love this song. I want to make a cd of all the songs with a similar message and give it to every girl in the world.

I Can't Wait

How often do you use this phrase? If you are like me you use it frequently during the day and constantly in your mind.
I can't wait to graduate college. I can't wait to figure out what my vocation is. I can't wait until this person moves away so I don't have to deal with them. I can't wait until I get to try out the Catholic Corps. I can't wait till the retreat in two weeks. I can't wait till this shift is over.
I don't really dislike the way my life is right now. It is stressful and busy, but I'm fairly happy. Somehow though I'm convinced that life will be better later on. That after college I'll find where I'm supposed to be and everything will be great.
I think we're made to be looking ahead, to be looking and waiting for what comes next. But I don't think that it is the next job, or the next stage of life we are really anxious for. As St. Augustine said, " Our hearts are restless, Lord, until they rest with Thee."
We are really yearning for the next life, in heaven. It isn't until then that we will be able to drop the "I can't wait" feeling. Keeping that in mind for me, means I'll be a little more patient for the things that lie in my future.

Pax Christi!

Skyline Destination

I feel like my future is filled with so many ifs and maybes. I want to know what lies ahead. I like knowing where I'm going, what will happen, what I have to do. It unnerves me when I can't see ahead.
Today as I was driving home I could see the skyline of Philadelphia for the first time in days. The weather had kept me from seeing it for over a week. It is my landmark, how I know I'm on the right highway and headed for the right bridge home.
It kinda struck me this is what I want in life. I want to be able to see my destination or at least the landmarks ahead of me. I want to see the skyline of heaven each and every day. That is what I am working for, I want to be reminded of that.
But in life there are no maps. There are no written instructions of when each things is supposed to happen. You just live it, trusting that if you rely on God, everything will work out. Its scary. Scary like a rollercoaster without any safety constraints. Scary like driving across the country with no maps or GPS. Scary like jumping out of an airplane. But that risk is part of what makes life so wonderful and beautiful, too.

Pax Christi!

Relax, Baby!

It is already February! I can't believe it. Life is great, but so busy and hectic. Between my growing responsibilities at work and the growing pile of homework to do I can really identify with this song. It is hard to remember why we are doing things, or rather Who we are doing them for. We have to take some time to simply relax in His Presence. Going to Mass at school is the best part of my day and I really miss it when I don't go (like today!) because it puts everything into perspective. I realize everything I need is in His arms.
Hope this song helps someone else who is really stressed.





Pax Christi!

The World in Black and White

Today was a miserable day. The sky was gray and the world is covered in the remainder of the last snow storm. The trees are coated with snow and ice. Everything looks different, the lines are clearer. I couldn't help but marvel on my commute to school how much more I notice about the landscape when the colors are gone.
Today at Mass, Father mentioned how the knowledge that we are drinking the blood of Christ, the blood of our hero, changes everything. It changes what we see, what we hear, how we look at the world. For me, the best way to represent this drastic difference is seeing the world in black and white. To see each thing stand out in a way it never has before. To see how it connects to everything else. To see the beauty and the simplicity.
I had a conversation with a friend about how to explain to non-Catholics about what I'm considering doing with my life. A few of my friends know (who aren't Catholic) but we really don't talk about it. I have others who I really don't want to mention it to, because I can't explain clearly why I'm doing this. She said it isn't something that you can explain, it is something you feel. It is a relationship, a love that is so strong you have to follow it. You are compelled to follow this path. There is no way to explain it.
She then went on to say how she felt sorry for those who don't have this relationship. How can you not have this passionate love lighting up your life?
I know what she is talking about, but I have to say I don't have that feeling now. I don't have the passion for Christ and the faith that I've had at other points. I believe it and love Him 100%, but it is different. I go to Mass as often as I can in a week, I pray, I'm trying to explore to figure out where I am called. I have to say, in some ways I like the place I'm in. Sure the passionate light that effects everything is great, but sometimes, it is nice to see things from a different view. My relationship with God is calm, intimate, like old friends talking on a summer afternoon.
So to whoever's reading this, I'm not sure that I made much sense. I had so many thoughts running through my mind today.

Pax Christi!