I've started so many posts recently. But for some reason or another I never finish them. Today I'm determined that I will finish, even if the result is a random, incoherent, pointless, redundant post.
The one good thing about today is that I know tomorrow has to be better. This is an exaggeration, but as of two hours ago I definitely would have agreed 100%. I wasn't feeling well. For some reason I never stayed on one task at work for any length of time, there was always something else that needed to be done too. So of course I tried to be everywhere. There was something wrong with pretty much every drawer I counted, which meant I had to count it again. I let myself be annoyed and frustrated by someone else's attitude. I found out someone I never got along with is returning to my job. I realized this is my last day working with my wonderful manager for two months. I've been told to watch out for this and that while the replacement management is there. And with all of this I'm stressed about school. I shouldn't be, but I am.
Now that I am home and things are quiet though I'm thinking about everything that went well today too. I everything done before work that I wanted to. Today was my last shift at work for the year, so I can now focus on the get together we are having on New Year's Eve. I have a great manager who I love working with and she will be back in only two months. None of the mistakes with the drawers were mine (besides simple math errors I caught myself) I have some great coworkers who try to cheer me when they realized I'm stressed out. I'm trusted at my job and have been told I'm doing it well. Everyone one I love is safe and sound tonight. I am able to go to college at a school I choose to get a good education. And above all I have God, always with me, even on days like today when I feel frustrated and alone.
Pax Christi!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
The Night Before Christmas
I meant to post this sooner, but here it is a day or two late.
The Night Before Christmas
A more spiritual version of the famous Christmas story
By: Sister St. Thomas, B.N.D. de N
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the town,
St. Joseph was searching, walking up roads and down;
Our Lady was waiting, so meek and so mild,
While Joseph was seeking a place for the Child.
The children were nestled, each snug in their beds,
The grown-ups wouldn't bother, there's no room they said;
When even the innkeeper sent them away,
Joseph was wondering, where they would stay.
He thought of the caves in the side of the hills,
Lets go there said Mary, it's silent and still;
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Made pathways of light for their tired feet to go.
And there in a cave, in a cradle of hay,
Our Savior was born on that first Christmas Day!
The Father was watching in heaven above,
He sent for His angels, His couriers of love.
More rapid than eagles God's bright angels came;
Rejoicing and eager as each heard his name;
Come Power, Come Cherubs, Come Virtues, Come Raphael,
Come Thrones and Dominions, come Michael and Gabriel.
Now fly to the Earth, where My poor people live,
Announce the glad tiding My Son comes to give;
The Shepherds were watching their flocks on this night,
And saw in the heavens and unearthly light.
The Angels assured them, they'd nothing to fear,
It's Christmas they said, the Savior is here!
They hastened to find Him, and stood at the door,
Till Mary invited them in to adore.
He was swaddled in bands from His head to His feet,
Never did the Shepherds see a baby so sweet!
He spoke not a word, but the shepherds all knew,
He was telling them secrets and blessing them too.
Then softly they left Him, The Babe in the hay,
And rejoiced with great joy on that first Christmas Day;
Mary heard them exclaim as they walked up the hill,
Glory to God in the Highest, Peace to men of good will!
The Night Before Christmas
A more spiritual version of the famous Christmas story
By: Sister St. Thomas, B.N.D. de N
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the town,
St. Joseph was searching, walking up roads and down;
Our Lady was waiting, so meek and so mild,
While Joseph was seeking a place for the Child.
The children were nestled, each snug in their beds,
The grown-ups wouldn't bother, there's no room they said;
When even the innkeeper sent them away,
Joseph was wondering, where they would stay.
He thought of the caves in the side of the hills,
Lets go there said Mary, it's silent and still;
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Made pathways of light for their tired feet to go.
And there in a cave, in a cradle of hay,
Our Savior was born on that first Christmas Day!
The Father was watching in heaven above,
He sent for His angels, His couriers of love.
More rapid than eagles God's bright angels came;
Rejoicing and eager as each heard his name;
Come Power, Come Cherubs, Come Virtues, Come Raphael,
Come Thrones and Dominions, come Michael and Gabriel.
Now fly to the Earth, where My poor people live,
Announce the glad tiding My Son comes to give;
The Shepherds were watching their flocks on this night,
And saw in the heavens and unearthly light.
The Angels assured them, they'd nothing to fear,
It's Christmas they said, the Savior is here!
They hastened to find Him, and stood at the door,
Till Mary invited them in to adore.
He was swaddled in bands from His head to His feet,
Never did the Shepherds see a baby so sweet!
He spoke not a word, but the shepherds all knew,
He was telling them secrets and blessing them too.
Then softly they left Him, The Babe in the hay,
And rejoiced with great joy on that first Christmas Day;
Mary heard them exclaim as they walked up the hill,
Glory to God in the Highest, Peace to men of good will!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Emmanuel
O come, O come, Emmanuel. God with us. We are waiting for His arrival in a week. In another sense we are waiting for Him to arrive in His glory. We go to church, we say our prayers. But do we ever see Him?
His name is Emmanuel. God with us. Not God will be with us. Not God was with us. Do any of us ever stop to look for Him?
I've had two friends recently involved in major car accidents. Both walked away with minor injuries despite the extensive damage to the cars. He was there. In situations like that we are quicker to acknowledge God's presence. But what about in everyday scenarios, where is He?
I feel Him when I am able to restrain my tongue when someone annoys me at work. I see Him in the life of the child I babysit. I know He intervened when my car went out of control on the slippery roads the other night. So as Christmas approaches we remember the first time humanity heard the name Emmanuel and what it means. God is with us. Now and forever.
Pax Christi!
His name is Emmanuel. God with us. Not God will be with us. Not God was with us. Do any of us ever stop to look for Him?
I've had two friends recently involved in major car accidents. Both walked away with minor injuries despite the extensive damage to the cars. He was there. In situations like that we are quicker to acknowledge God's presence. But what about in everyday scenarios, where is He?
I feel Him when I am able to restrain my tongue when someone annoys me at work. I see Him in the life of the child I babysit. I know He intervened when my car went out of control on the slippery roads the other night. So as Christmas approaches we remember the first time humanity heard the name Emmanuel and what it means. God is with us. Now and forever.
Pax Christi!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Need a Little Christmas Now
I have to admit, I never liked this Christmas song. It seemed to me to be rushing the season, all ready to skip over Advent and jump to the celebrations and parties. Tonight though it struck me in a different manner.
I was mulling over some situations at work that are frustrating me. There is so much talking about other people, sometimes it is idle gossip, other times the words are really meant to hurt someone. I'm tired of hearing "Guess what Tom said about you," and "I can't stand Jane." (Obviously, I wouldn't use their real names here.) I usually just walk away. I don't see myself as influential enough to change what is happening. I might be, but I'm scared to try. I haven't heard any talk about me, so I wonder sometimes what is being said behind my back. I don't want them to talk about me, too, or at least more than they are.
I work in a Christian place, we are supposed to have better values than other places. I'm not saying that all the people I work with are like this, but the majority seem to be feeding into this dramatic mess. It is like nails on chalkboard, a grating sound, a discordant chord.
On the drive home tonight it struck me that what we need at work is a little Christmas. Christmas spirit, a sense of joy and unity, the idea that it is better to give than to receive. Why is this so lacking? I'm not sure if the rush of the shopping season and our busiest time of the year has kept Christmas from touching the hearts of my coworkers. Other than that, I don't even know what to guess.
But I have to say my Chick-fil-a needs a little Christmas now.
I was mulling over some situations at work that are frustrating me. There is so much talking about other people, sometimes it is idle gossip, other times the words are really meant to hurt someone. I'm tired of hearing "Guess what Tom said about you," and "I can't stand Jane." (Obviously, I wouldn't use their real names here.) I usually just walk away. I don't see myself as influential enough to change what is happening. I might be, but I'm scared to try. I haven't heard any talk about me, so I wonder sometimes what is being said behind my back. I don't want them to talk about me, too, or at least more than they are.
I work in a Christian place, we are supposed to have better values than other places. I'm not saying that all the people I work with are like this, but the majority seem to be feeding into this dramatic mess. It is like nails on chalkboard, a grating sound, a discordant chord.
On the drive home tonight it struck me that what we need at work is a little Christmas. Christmas spirit, a sense of joy and unity, the idea that it is better to give than to receive. Why is this so lacking? I'm not sure if the rush of the shopping season and our busiest time of the year has kept Christmas from touching the hearts of my coworkers. Other than that, I don't even know what to guess.
But I have to say my Chick-fil-a needs a little Christmas now.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Definite Service
My pastor read this prayer by John Henry Cardinal Newman at Mass sometime this past week. It stuck with me long enough that I could look it up to share.
God has created me to do Him some definite service. He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another. I have my mission. I may never know it in this life, but I shall be told it in the next. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons. He has not created me for naught. I shall do good; I shall do His work. I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place, while not intending it if I do but keep His commandments. Therefore, I will trust Him, whatever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him, in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about. He may take away my friends. He may throw me among strangers. He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide my future from me. Still, He knows what He is about.
God has created me to do Him some definite service. He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another. I have my mission. I may never know it in this life, but I shall be told it in the next. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons. He has not created me for naught. I shall do good; I shall do His work. I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place, while not intending it if I do but keep His commandments. Therefore, I will trust Him, whatever I am, I can never be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him, in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about. He may take away my friends. He may throw me among strangers. He may make me feel desolate, make my spirits sink, hide my future from me. Still, He knows what He is about.
Friday, December 10, 2010
In This Moment
Whenever I sit down to write I have trouble finding a topic. I feel like I have hit a roadblock in my discernment (which is what I try to write about). The next step that I feel called to take requires a large block of time that I don't currently have. So college has to come first. It is a little frustrating, but it is forcing me to think and work on other aspects of my life.
God's will is not just for my future. He has a plan that involves every day, every hour, every moment of my life. So this time that is spent working and in school is not just for waiting. I'm beginning to focus less on the question, "what does God want me to do in my future?", and more on "what does He want of my in this situation and this moment?"
I'm getting a promotion at work, which means I am responsible for overseeing my coworkers. The more I think about God's will in this moment the more I notice myself asking instead of telling, getting someone's attention instead of yelling, and treating those I don't like the same as those I do. I still have tons of work to do, but I am happy to have found another area of my life to work on while I'm waiting for my future.
God's will is not just for my future. He has a plan that involves every day, every hour, every moment of my life. So this time that is spent working and in school is not just for waiting. I'm beginning to focus less on the question, "what does God want me to do in my future?", and more on "what does He want of my in this situation and this moment?"
I'm getting a promotion at work, which means I am responsible for overseeing my coworkers. The more I think about God's will in this moment the more I notice myself asking instead of telling, getting someone's attention instead of yelling, and treating those I don't like the same as those I do. I still have tons of work to do, but I am happy to have found another area of my life to work on while I'm waiting for my future.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
God's Little Blessings
I dread December 6th. Usually I make special plans for the day. Last year I practically went on retreat, avoiding all friends (except for those in the lay community I was staying with) This year though time flew by, I planned nothing, and I was a mess.
Yesterday was an extremely hard day. It didn't snow. It has snowed every year for the past nine years on December 6th. When I saw flurries last night, I thought, okay, that is enough. A few minutes later my phone rings. A friend (who by the way has no idea that this date is hard for me) called. She told me she had been meaning to return my call but couldn't find the number. Today she stumbled across it, almost a month later. These little blessings from God are my favorite things.
Pax Christi!
Yesterday was an extremely hard day. It didn't snow. It has snowed every year for the past nine years on December 6th. When I saw flurries last night, I thought, okay, that is enough. A few minutes later my phone rings. A friend (who by the way has no idea that this date is hard for me) called. She told me she had been meaning to return my call but couldn't find the number. Today she stumbled across it, almost a month later. These little blessings from God are my favorite things.
Pax Christi!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
If I Had Known...
If I had known nine years ago tonight, I would have given him an extra kiss goodnight.
If I had known nine years ago that day, I would have said I love you before he went away.
If I had known nine years ago that he'd not be there, I would have paid attention to the ways he showed his care.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of my dad's death, or his feast day. I'm having a hard time dealing with it this year. I wish I could go back, even if it was just to say goodbye as he walked out the door. So I'm asking you to do me all a favor. Make sure those you love know it. Often in life we take those closest to us for granted. Today, tell them that you love them or show them that you care, just because you can.
Pax Christi!
If I had known nine years ago that day, I would have said I love you before he went away.
If I had known nine years ago that he'd not be there, I would have paid attention to the ways he showed his care.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of my dad's death, or his feast day. I'm having a hard time dealing with it this year. I wish I could go back, even if it was just to say goodbye as he walked out the door. So I'm asking you to do me all a favor. Make sure those you love know it. Often in life we take those closest to us for granted. Today, tell them that you love them or show them that you care, just because you can.
Pax Christi!
Advent
Advent. It is all about waiting. Anticipation builds. People prepare. Decorations are hung, gifts are bought. We go to confession and clean the house. The readings at mass focus on repentance. Children are counting down the days. It seems we are hovering on the brink, almost there, but not yet. We wait.
When Christmas finally arrives it is wonderful. Things aren't perfect but family gathers together, gifts are exchanged. We celebrate the greatest gift we have all been given together. There is deep joy enveloping everyone and everything.
I recently read an article that compares advent to discernment. I used to like advent, but now I feel too busy to appreciate the season. It is often accompanied by lists to do, craziness at work, and when I'm in school, dreaded finals. I feel like my discernment too is on hold. I feel God is calling me to visit a particular place. As far as I can see though, the timing won't work out until after I graduate college. I don't want to wait in this spot for 2 years. But this time is not just meant to wait. It is meant to be a trial, to strengthen my faith and devotion. Am I discerning because it is convenient and makes me sound holy? Or am I doing it out of love for God? Have I learned to trust His plans even when the timing doesn't fit mine? Am I ready to make a commitment once I learn what direction my life will take?
In the past I have found that the deeper I enter into the advent season, the deeper my joy is at Christmas. I'm hoping that by focusing on the current waiting period of my discernment, I will find deeper peace when my search is complete.
Pax Christi!
When Christmas finally arrives it is wonderful. Things aren't perfect but family gathers together, gifts are exchanged. We celebrate the greatest gift we have all been given together. There is deep joy enveloping everyone and everything.
I recently read an article that compares advent to discernment. I used to like advent, but now I feel too busy to appreciate the season. It is often accompanied by lists to do, craziness at work, and when I'm in school, dreaded finals. I feel like my discernment too is on hold. I feel God is calling me to visit a particular place. As far as I can see though, the timing won't work out until after I graduate college. I don't want to wait in this spot for 2 years. But this time is not just meant to wait. It is meant to be a trial, to strengthen my faith and devotion. Am I discerning because it is convenient and makes me sound holy? Or am I doing it out of love for God? Have I learned to trust His plans even when the timing doesn't fit mine? Am I ready to make a commitment once I learn what direction my life will take?
In the past I have found that the deeper I enter into the advent season, the deeper my joy is at Christmas. I'm hoping that by focusing on the current waiting period of my discernment, I will find deeper peace when my search is complete.
Pax Christi!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Family Reflections
This weekend has been a blessing. My family is hilariously dysfunctional. So many misunderstandings that turn into laughter that keeps you from breathing. (I'd list some, but I can't remember them) So many fun moments of remember when... We wrote notes to the Easter Bunny because we were suspicious?
Family knows who you are. They watched you become the person you are today. As my aunts have often reminded me they changed my diapers. Family are the ones you bit as a toddler, the ones who saw you in every awkward stage, the ones who met your boyfriends and girlfriends through the years. They understand you. They know where you come from. With half my extended family today you just had to look across the room to see where some of us got our traits. My grandfather had his nose buried in a book, my cousin Nikki and I were discussing (and she was reading) an old favorite of ours, and I'll bet money that if my brother was allowed he would have had a book too!
Family members have part of you in them. Each one reflects a little piece of you, they remind you of where you come from. They celebrate your successes and share in your failures.
I wonder how heaven will compare to this? Will we share stories of how we got to the wonderful place we are now in? Will we laugh at how often we misunderstood what God wanted of us and His master plan? Will we see in each saint a reflection of God, just like the reflections in a family? I think so, because this kind of time with my family is such a heavenly experience.
Family knows who you are. They watched you become the person you are today. As my aunts have often reminded me they changed my diapers. Family are the ones you bit as a toddler, the ones who saw you in every awkward stage, the ones who met your boyfriends and girlfriends through the years. They understand you. They know where you come from. With half my extended family today you just had to look across the room to see where some of us got our traits. My grandfather had his nose buried in a book, my cousin Nikki and I were discussing (and she was reading) an old favorite of ours, and I'll bet money that if my brother was allowed he would have had a book too!
Family members have part of you in them. Each one reflects a little piece of you, they remind you of where you come from. They celebrate your successes and share in your failures.
I wonder how heaven will compare to this? Will we share stories of how we got to the wonderful place we are now in? Will we laugh at how often we misunderstood what God wanted of us and His master plan? Will we see in each saint a reflection of God, just like the reflections in a family? I think so, because this kind of time with my family is such a heavenly experience.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Giving Thanks
One year ago I was thrilled to be coming home for Thanksgiving break. My boyfriend was joining my family. School was wonderful. I had a group of friends I hung out with all the time. Life was good!
Only a year later things have changed so much. One of my close friends lost my trust and our group fell apart. I spent spring semester bored out of my mind. I broke up with my boyfriend. I got a job, but the work situation wasn't good so I quit. Nothing seemed to work out the way I thought it would. Despite all this, or perhaps because of it, I am more thankful this holiday weekend.
I'm learning to be grateful for the time I have with each person in my life. I realize that many different things can separate friends and family members. We just need to be grateful for what we had and what we have in the present moment.
I've decided to explore more options for my future. I'm visiting convents, but am decidedly not making any decisions right now. I'm just taking the future as it comes and enjoying life.
I have most definitely learned who my true friends are. Those who may live far away, but who I can laugh with and talk with and trust.
To sum it up this was a year of gaining experience and perspective. Did I think in May and June I'd be thankful for the tears I cried? Of course not. But now I know I'm stronger for it and closer to God. So this Thanksgiving along with counting my blessings I'm counting my crosses too!
Pax Christi!
Only a year later things have changed so much. One of my close friends lost my trust and our group fell apart. I spent spring semester bored out of my mind. I broke up with my boyfriend. I got a job, but the work situation wasn't good so I quit. Nothing seemed to work out the way I thought it would. Despite all this, or perhaps because of it, I am more thankful this holiday weekend.
I'm learning to be grateful for the time I have with each person in my life. I realize that many different things can separate friends and family members. We just need to be grateful for what we had and what we have in the present moment.
I've decided to explore more options for my future. I'm visiting convents, but am decidedly not making any decisions right now. I'm just taking the future as it comes and enjoying life.
I have most definitely learned who my true friends are. Those who may live far away, but who I can laugh with and talk with and trust.
To sum it up this was a year of gaining experience and perspective. Did I think in May and June I'd be thankful for the tears I cried? Of course not. But now I know I'm stronger for it and closer to God. So this Thanksgiving along with counting my blessings I'm counting my crosses too!
Pax Christi!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Happiness is...
I have a really cute book out from the library. It is called Happiness is a Warm Puppy. It just has a bunch of quotes about happiness with pictures from the Peanuts cartoon. For example: "Happiness is sleeping in your own bed." and "Happiness is a good old fashioned game of hide and seek."
As the Holiday season starts and the Church year ends I think more and more about what has happened during the past year. I think I am happier now than I was a year ago. I have less of an idea where my life is going, but more of an idea of what I want my life to be like- if that makes any sense at all. I found more happiness in the little things- like being back at home, eating homecooked meals, a compliment from a coworker, a message from a friend, and having extended family over for Thanksgiving dinner.
But happiness is one thing to one person and another thing to another person. So please, leave me a comment and tell me what things make you happy.
Pax Christi!
As the Holiday season starts and the Church year ends I think more and more about what has happened during the past year. I think I am happier now than I was a year ago. I have less of an idea where my life is going, but more of an idea of what I want my life to be like- if that makes any sense at all. I found more happiness in the little things- like being back at home, eating homecooked meals, a compliment from a coworker, a message from a friend, and having extended family over for Thanksgiving dinner.
But happiness is one thing to one person and another thing to another person. So please, leave me a comment and tell me what things make you happy.
Pax Christi!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Experience
I'm learning. Slowly, but surely. Sometimes it feels like for every step forward I take two steps back. But eventually things sink in. Every mistake gives me more experience and a better perspective. When things don't end the way I want I'm able to say: "You're not the first thing in my life I've loved and lost. Yeah, I've thought worse things that I might be less inclined to merely just shrug off."
The more I mess up, the more I value my mistakes. I wonder if I really could have learned the same lesson without them. Probably not. As St. Teresa of Avila put it: "To reach something good it is very useful to have gone astray, and thus acquire experience." So I'm going to worry less about my mistakes as I start this new Church year and just count it all as experience.
The more I mess up, the more I value my mistakes. I wonder if I really could have learned the same lesson without them. Probably not. As St. Teresa of Avila put it: "To reach something good it is very useful to have gone astray, and thus acquire experience." So I'm going to worry less about my mistakes as I start this new Church year and just count it all as experience.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Got the Letters A-D-D
I have tried to write many, many posts but deleted them for lack of inspiration. Three have made it to my drafts folder where they will likely stay forever. My notebook where I start writing is filled with pages that I can seem to turn into anything coherent.
My ADD mind is not focusing enough to write three paragraphs on the same subject. I am so scattered between things going on at work, family, holiday planning, college, convent visits. Inspiration hits me when I am settled in bed, ready to call it a day. Of course. But hopefully I'll be able to write something soon.
Pax Christi!
My ADD mind is not focusing enough to write three paragraphs on the same subject. I am so scattered between things going on at work, family, holiday planning, college, convent visits. Inspiration hits me when I am settled in bed, ready to call it a day. Of course. But hopefully I'll be able to write something soon.
Pax Christi!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Without a God
What is life like for people who don't believe in God? I cannot imagine it. Even on days when I don't take the time to really pray, I know God is exists and acknowledge Him in small ways. I say a prayer whenever I get in the car. It is automatic, I don't even think about the words I'm saying. When a coworker uses God's name in vain, I cringe internally and apologize on their behalf. When I'm in a rush I think, "God, please let the light turn green." When things go wrong, I say there must be a reason it didn't work out.
Personally, I think that belief in God means having hope in life. Hope that He has a better plan; hope that He knows the end of the story, and will get you there safe and sound; hope that there is more than this crazy life.
Without that hope I don't see much of a point- to anything. What a sorry life that must be
Personally, I think that belief in God means having hope in life. Hope that He has a better plan; hope that He knows the end of the story, and will get you there safe and sound; hope that there is more than this crazy life.
Without that hope I don't see much of a point- to anything. What a sorry life that must be
Monday, November 15, 2010
I'm Falling Even More in Love With You
So I was reading through a blog that was recommended to me. [Check it out here: http://rcspiritualdirection.com/blog] The point of the blog is to answer questions that are related to spiritual direction. I was just browsing through when I came across a post that really spoke to me. It concerned suffering and how Jesus related to us in our pain. The answer was simple: "Jesus suffers with us."
Jesus suffers with us. Just think about the depth of love behind that fact. Jesus created us out of His immense love. Then, when we turned our backs on Him, He became man and died on the cross out of love for us. He welcomes us back every time we wound Him again by sin through the loving sacrament of confession. But beyond all of that, He suffers our pain with us! How incredible is this love!
Think for a minute how many of your friends hurt for you when you are hurting? How many can you even trust with the reality of your pain? If you are very blessed, you have a few people who love you this much. But Jesus does more than that. He suffers with us. He doesn't just feel for us, He doesn't just comfort us. He bears the burden with us. He cries when we cry. He grieves the losses we grieve.
As I'm coming down off a retreat high, I'm missing the closeness I had with Him. Yet knowing He is missing that same closeness too makes it better. When I cry over lost friendships, He sheds tears too. It is more than that He suffered in His earthly life, He is sharing my suffering now. In this moment.
How can I not fall more in love with Him?
Jesus suffers with us. Just think about the depth of love behind that fact. Jesus created us out of His immense love. Then, when we turned our backs on Him, He became man and died on the cross out of love for us. He welcomes us back every time we wound Him again by sin through the loving sacrament of confession. But beyond all of that, He suffers our pain with us! How incredible is this love!
Think for a minute how many of your friends hurt for you when you are hurting? How many can you even trust with the reality of your pain? If you are very blessed, you have a few people who love you this much. But Jesus does more than that. He suffers with us. He doesn't just feel for us, He doesn't just comfort us. He bears the burden with us. He cries when we cry. He grieves the losses we grieve.
As I'm coming down off a retreat high, I'm missing the closeness I had with Him. Yet knowing He is missing that same closeness too makes it better. When I cry over lost friendships, He sheds tears too. It is more than that He suffered in His earthly life, He is sharing my suffering now. In this moment.
How can I not fall more in love with Him?
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Visiting the Visitors
Well, my visit went very well, despite my nervousness. I spent the entire weekend either laughing or praying. unfortunately, I have no pictures to share because my camera broke right before I left. Here is the website, in case you want to learn more about the order: http://parishvisitorsisters.org
I'm still processing everything that happened, but I thought I'd share a few little bits.
-Apparently, New Jersey is the same size as the Holy Land. I heard this fact 20 times over the weekend.
-Convent aerobics consist of a mile walk to get the mail, 20 genuflections, and countless trips up to the third story.
-The Motherhouse had a wrap around porch that I loved- on the 3rd story! It also had a balcony that you could watch the sunset from (if we weren't in prayer)
-A group of 10 novices and postulants is the happiest group of people you will ever meet. Believe me.
-I will never make the Olympics for horseshoes. In fact, I'm fairly certain I will never win a single game of horshoes, but that is good by me.
-A Nigerian Nun picking up Italian phrases makes everyone laugh.
-Kamikaze Uno has got to be on my list of my Top Ten Favorite Games.
And last...
-Even sisters yawn during the rosary.
Pax Christi!
I'm still processing everything that happened, but I thought I'd share a few little bits.
-Apparently, New Jersey is the same size as the Holy Land. I heard this fact 20 times over the weekend.
-Convent aerobics consist of a mile walk to get the mail, 20 genuflections, and countless trips up to the third story.
-The Motherhouse had a wrap around porch that I loved- on the 3rd story! It also had a balcony that you could watch the sunset from (if we weren't in prayer)
-A group of 10 novices and postulants is the happiest group of people you will ever meet. Believe me.
-I will never make the Olympics for horseshoes. In fact, I'm fairly certain I will never win a single game of horshoes, but that is good by me.
-A Nigerian Nun picking up Italian phrases makes everyone laugh.
-Kamikaze Uno has got to be on my list of my Top Ten Favorite Games.
And last...
-Even sisters yawn during the rosary.
Pax Christi!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
You Are Beautiful
I first saw this video at a conference (at Catholic Familyland!) I stumbled across it on another blog tonight. I think it speaks for itself so that is all I'll say.
Pax Christi!
Pax Christi!
Ambitionless
I am ambitionless. I have no dreams of taking over the world or having a great career. I don't know which direction I want my life to go. I see a couple options, but they look equally good. I'm going to college because it is necessary for a job, but I don't know which job I'd like to have.
This is what I do know:
~I am a people person. I like belonging to a community and having an identity within a group. It doesn't matter if that is in a volunteer group, a club, a group of friends, my family, work.
~I want to give my life to God. How could I not, for He has given so much to me? If I have a family, I have a couple ideas for a ministry or two I would love to start or be involved in. If not, I want to enter a convent (or a lay community) dedicated to His service.
~I need a purpose. I need to have a challenge each day that I can tackle. I hate being bored passionately.
I have been told by a few people that I should have more ambitions, want more in life. Honestly, I never know how to respond to that. This is all I want. Then I found this quote from St. Therese, the Little Flower:
“My God, you know that the only thing I’ve ever wanted is to love you; I have no ambitions for any other glory except that. In my childhood, your love was there waiting for me; as I grew up, it grew with me; and now it is like a great chasm whose depths are past sounding. Love breeds love; and mine, Jesus, for you, keeps on thrusting out towards you, as if to fill up that chasm which your love has made - but it’s no good; mine is something less than a drop of dew lost in the ocean. Love you as you love me? The only way to do that is to come to you for the loan of your own love; I couldn’t content myself with less. Dear Jesus, I can have no certainty about this, but I don’t see how you could squander more love on a human soul than you have on mine! That’s why I venture to ask that these souls you’ve entrusted to me may experience your love as I have. One day, maybe, in heaven, I shall find out that you love them better than me, and I shall be glad of that, glad to think that these people earned your love better than I ever did. But, here on earth, I just don’t find it possible to imagine a greater wealth of love than the love you’ve squandered on me without my doing anything to earn it.”
So apparently I'm not alone in my ambtionless desires. Nice to know.
Pax Christi!
This is what I do know:
~I am a people person. I like belonging to a community and having an identity within a group. It doesn't matter if that is in a volunteer group, a club, a group of friends, my family, work.
~I want to give my life to God. How could I not, for He has given so much to me? If I have a family, I have a couple ideas for a ministry or two I would love to start or be involved in. If not, I want to enter a convent (or a lay community) dedicated to His service.
~I need a purpose. I need to have a challenge each day that I can tackle. I hate being bored passionately.
I have been told by a few people that I should have more ambitions, want more in life. Honestly, I never know how to respond to that. This is all I want. Then I found this quote from St. Therese, the Little Flower:
“My God, you know that the only thing I’ve ever wanted is to love you; I have no ambitions for any other glory except that. In my childhood, your love was there waiting for me; as I grew up, it grew with me; and now it is like a great chasm whose depths are past sounding. Love breeds love; and mine, Jesus, for you, keeps on thrusting out towards you, as if to fill up that chasm which your love has made - but it’s no good; mine is something less than a drop of dew lost in the ocean. Love you as you love me? The only way to do that is to come to you for the loan of your own love; I couldn’t content myself with less. Dear Jesus, I can have no certainty about this, but I don’t see how you could squander more love on a human soul than you have on mine! That’s why I venture to ask that these souls you’ve entrusted to me may experience your love as I have. One day, maybe, in heaven, I shall find out that you love them better than me, and I shall be glad of that, glad to think that these people earned your love better than I ever did. But, here on earth, I just don’t find it possible to imagine a greater wealth of love than the love you’ve squandered on me without my doing anything to earn it.”
So apparently I'm not alone in my ambtionless desires. Nice to know.
Pax Christi!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Wherever You Are
Last night, I was thinking about the people I wish were still a part of my life. There are three significant loved ones who are gone. I don't mean they all died, it was different circumstances for each of them. But now, when I think of one loss the others come to mind as well. I wonder what my life would be like if they were still around, I wonder how those relationships would have changed over time. I wonder if I would be the person I am now with them still here.
God sent me each of those people, this I am certain of. The first was my dad- my memories of him are dim and few, but I know he loved me. From him I knew a father's love. When he was gone, I turned to God to receive the same type of love.
The next person helped me through my early teens. He understood my desire to become a religious and fully supported me. He treated me like an adult, when I was stuck between the world of children and the world of adults. Since then I've learned to talk to God the way I talked to him. God truly understands the desires of my heart.
Lastly, I was given a best friend who pushed me to become a saint. We spend hours talking about saints and heaven. He helped me through the worst summer of my life, keeping me from despairing of God's love. After that summer though, I no longer needed that kind of support, this aspect of our friendship faded away... It was replaced by my own renewed desire to grow closer to God.
I believe that each person God places in our lives, even for just a moment is there for a reason. I miss these people dreadfully at times, but their influence in my life is not gone. It is because of them that I am this specific point in my discernment. Without any of them I doubt I would be going to visit a convent this weekend. So as I prepare for this weekend, fighting with nerves and packing, I'll be thinking not only of these people, but everyone who has brought me to this point on my spiritual journey.
Pax Christi!
God sent me each of those people, this I am certain of. The first was my dad- my memories of him are dim and few, but I know he loved me. From him I knew a father's love. When he was gone, I turned to God to receive the same type of love.
The next person helped me through my early teens. He understood my desire to become a religious and fully supported me. He treated me like an adult, when I was stuck between the world of children and the world of adults. Since then I've learned to talk to God the way I talked to him. God truly understands the desires of my heart.
Lastly, I was given a best friend who pushed me to become a saint. We spend hours talking about saints and heaven. He helped me through the worst summer of my life, keeping me from despairing of God's love. After that summer though, I no longer needed that kind of support, this aspect of our friendship faded away... It was replaced by my own renewed desire to grow closer to God.
I believe that each person God places in our lives, even for just a moment is there for a reason. I miss these people dreadfully at times, but their influence in my life is not gone. It is because of them that I am this specific point in my discernment. Without any of them I doubt I would be going to visit a convent this weekend. So as I prepare for this weekend, fighting with nerves and packing, I'll be thinking not only of these people, but everyone who has brought me to this point on my spiritual journey.
Pax Christi!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Baby Sarah
I was 17, it was my first time out of the country and my first mission trip. The first day working in the orphanage I fell in love with a beautiful baby named Sarah. She couldn't talk, walk or stand. I don't even know how old she was. One of the brothers said she was 3, but she was much too small for her age.
It was over a year ago, but I think about Sarah often. I pray for her whenever I pray for my godson, for if circumstances had been right, I would have been her godmother. The brothers asked me to adopt her, I know it was unreasonable, but my heart aches that she doesn't have a family. I don't know if I will ever see that precious little girl again, even if I do go back to Jamaica. I may never know what happens to her, but she will always be in my heart.
Many people have asked me why I would become a religious sister, since I have such a great love for children. First, I have to say that I know that whatever God is calling me to do, will be the happiest path for me. But I know that my love for children would not be wasted because of Sarah. As a sister I will reach out to people on behalf of Christ. They will be my family. Even if I don't know what happens to them, even if I only am in their lives for a short period, like with Sarah. I will carry all the children I meet and work with in my heart, until I meet them again in heaven.
It was over a year ago, but I think about Sarah often. I pray for her whenever I pray for my godson, for if circumstances had been right, I would have been her godmother. The brothers asked me to adopt her, I know it was unreasonable, but my heart aches that she doesn't have a family. I don't know if I will ever see that precious little girl again, even if I do go back to Jamaica. I may never know what happens to her, but she will always be in my heart.
Many people have asked me why I would become a religious sister, since I have such a great love for children. First, I have to say that I know that whatever God is calling me to do, will be the happiest path for me. But I know that my love for children would not be wasted because of Sarah. As a sister I will reach out to people on behalf of Christ. They will be my family. Even if I don't know what happens to them, even if I only am in their lives for a short period, like with Sarah. I will carry all the children I meet and work with in my heart, until I meet them again in heaven.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Patience, Parts, and Plans
Tonight was a long day at work. We were constantly busy and, because of the task I had, I was especially so. I needed everyone to do their part so we would get out on time. Unfortunately, they didn't see things the same way. From their point of view, getting things done wasn't that important. Instead they chose to talk and watch and in general waste time. In the end we ended up staying late, getting my boss all stressed out, and leaving work undone.
As I was thinking it over getting more and more frustrated, it hit me. I have done the same thing, not to other people, but to God. I am busy with my own priorities. From my point of view, praying, earning graces and sacrificing for the sake of others is not important. It will get done eventually. Someone else will do it. I'll do it tomorrow.
God has an important task and He wants to include us in His great work of saving humanity. He could do it on His own but He wants us to participate. We need to do our part, to bring others to Him.
Today, people ignored me, and what I needed done, for a few hours. Only hours, but I grew so impatient, got so frustrated. God is ignored by people all the time, and even forgotten by some of His friends, but has He lost patience with us? Has He said, "Nevermind, I'll do this Myself," leaving us out of His plan for salvation? No. He patiently waits for us to change our priorities. He speaks to us through people and events in our lives. He continues to be patient when we fail.
Realizing this put my night into perspective. How wonderful it is to be a part, however small, of God's great plan.
Pax Christi!
As I was thinking it over getting more and more frustrated, it hit me. I have done the same thing, not to other people, but to God. I am busy with my own priorities. From my point of view, praying, earning graces and sacrificing for the sake of others is not important. It will get done eventually. Someone else will do it. I'll do it tomorrow.
God has an important task and He wants to include us in His great work of saving humanity. He could do it on His own but He wants us to participate. We need to do our part, to bring others to Him.
Today, people ignored me, and what I needed done, for a few hours. Only hours, but I grew so impatient, got so frustrated. God is ignored by people all the time, and even forgotten by some of His friends, but has He lost patience with us? Has He said, "Nevermind, I'll do this Myself," leaving us out of His plan for salvation? No. He patiently waits for us to change our priorities. He speaks to us through people and events in our lives. He continues to be patient when we fail.
Realizing this put my night into perspective. How wonderful it is to be a part, however small, of God's great plan.
Pax Christi!
Monday, November 1, 2010
Sitting Outside Heaven's Door
Tonight I love the song Breathing by Lifehouse. It just suits where I am in life right now. I'm waiting to figure out what is next, yet am content with the waiting. Sometimes I still try to sort out which voice in my head is God's, but usually I'm content to sit outside Heaven's door.
Pax Christi!
Pax Christi!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Dear Brothers and Sisters
Brothers and sisters: We always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of His calling and powerfully bring to fulfillment every good purpose and every effort of faith, that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in Him, in accord with the grace of our God and Lord Jesus Christ.This greeting from St. Paul to the followers of Christ in Thessalonica is similar to those found in many of his letters. Every time I hear one of these readings, certain people come to mind. First are my Service Corps family. [For any of you who don't know what service corps is its a group of highschool volunteers at a Catholic family camp. It was the best experience of my life.] Then I am flooded with thoughts of all the friends I've made at Catholic Familyland. The greetings, prayer requests, encouraging words, and grateful thank yous St. Paul extends to his disciples are similar to the messages I see every day on Facebook exchanged among these friends.
Though these are some of my best friends, I see them only once a year or so. St. Paul was not always able to visit the communities when he wanted. "For I long to see you...I often planned to come to you, though I was prevented until now." Romans 11-13
When trials arise in my life, the first people I ask for prayers are my CFL friends. "Finally, brothers, pray for us, so that the word of the Lord may speed forward and be glorified, as it did among you, and that we may be delivered from perverse and wicked people, for not all have faith." 2 Thessalonians 3:1-2
I thank God for the inspiration, encouragement, and shining examples I see in these people. St. Paul wrote: "First, I give thanks to my God through Jesus Christ for all of you, because your faith is heralded throughout the world." Romans 1:8
"Therefore, I, too, hearing of your faith in the Lord Jesus and of your love for all the holy ones, do not cease giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers." Ephesians 1:16
I often think and pray for these people, knowing that together in faith we can truly make a difference in our world. "We do not cease praying for you and asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding to live in a manner worthy of the Lord, so as to be fully pleasing." Colossians 1:9-10
I have offered encouragement to them, as they have to me on many occasions. To Timothy Paul said: "Let no one have contempt for your youth, but set an example for those who believe , in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity."1 Timothy 3:12 "I remind you to stir into flame the gift of God that you have through the imposition of my hands." 2 Timothy 1:6
I've often wondered what it would have been like to live when the Church was young. To know the Apostles and the other great saints of that time. To have received a letter from Paul. To have witnessed one of Jesus' miracles or at least heard an eye-witness account. To have that small, deeply faithful community to depend on. As I skimmed the letters and thought of examples from my life for this post, it dawned on me. The Church St. Paul knew and the Church I follow are one and the same. Through Catholic Familyland, I even have the same type of community. Our challenges might have changed a bit, as has the technology. But I don't need to go back in time to meet saints. I'm friends with some amazingly, holy people now. So, dear brothers and sisters in Christ, thank you for being today's disciples and future saints.
I love Clarisse McClellan
I wrote a speech almost a year ago in which I cited Fahrenheit 451. Now I have actually read the book- it is amazing! I went out and bought it just so I could mark all the quotes and passages I like. I hate writing synopsi so I'm just going to share my favorite lines and the insights I got from the story.
The futuristic society portrayed in the story really made me think about the world we live in. It has changed so much from my parents' generation, mostly for the worse. The passages in the book about tolerance, school indoctrination, media indoctrination, disposable era are all just a few steps down the path we are already on. It is a sobering thought, but I have just one more quote to share.
How like a mirror, too, her face. Impossible; for how many people did you know who refracted your own light to you? People were more often-he searched for a simile, found one in his work- torches, blazing away until they whiffed out. How rarely did other people's faces take of you and throw back to you your own expression, your own innermost trembling thought?I really thought about the people I know, trying to answer the question. I can think of a few who remind me of torches. I've never met one who reflected to me my own image though. But among my friends there are many who reflect His image, which is even better.
Well, after all, this is the age of the disposable tissue. Blow your nose on a person, wad them, flush them away, reach for another, blow, wad, flush.I like this line because it reminds me of an analogy used by Fr. Jonathan Meyer in his talk on Theology of the Body. In explaining the world's idea of love Fr. Meyer used his analogy of "pizza love": It looks good, it smells good, it tastes good, take a bite, devour, repeat. But this quote applies to society as a whole. As I thought about it, there is little that is permanent is society- not values, morals, people, laws, truth. How scary must it be for people who embrace our current culture?
I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? Social to me means talking to you about things like this.I was homeschooled and grew up with practically every adult I met asking about "socialization," I like her response. Socialization to me means being able to talk and spend time with anyone. Not just those of my own age.
I'm afraid of children my own age. They kill each other. Did it always use to be that way?While I was in highschool I was kept current on school happenings through our youth group. In the four years, many highschooolers died. Some committed suicide, others were killed in car-accidents, usually due to recklessness or drinking. There were bomb threats routinely one year. I remember being so grateful each time that I wasn't in public school. But the idea of children killing children also made me think of the girls having abortions- many so young they are practically children themselves.
Let you alone! That's all very well, but how can I leave myself alone? We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?This to me is a great answer to why God lets evil things (ie 9/11, Katrina, Tsunami) happen. We need to be shaken up, to be bothered once in a while. Events like this remind us of what is truly important.
The home environment can undo a lot you try to do at school. That's why we've lowered the kindergarten age year after year until now we're almost snatching them from the cradle.Schools can be used for indoctrination purposes. Which is why parents need to be involved in their kids lives, to know and care about what is going on.
That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want.This is just a cool quote. I didn't put much thought into it's selection.
He hadn't known fire could look this way. He had never thought in his life that it could give as well as take.Everything in the world has multiple sides, almost. We get stuck looking at things from our perspective, thinking we are right. Do we ever stop to look at it from the opposite side?
The futuristic society portrayed in the story really made me think about the world we live in. It has changed so much from my parents' generation, mostly for the worse. The passages in the book about tolerance, school indoctrination, media indoctrination, disposable era are all just a few steps down the path we are already on. It is a sobering thought, but I have just one more quote to share.
But that's the wonderful thing about man; he never gets so discouraged or disgusted that he gives up doing it all over again, because he knows very well it is important and worth the doing.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
451
451 degrees is the temperature at which paper burns...or something like that. I just finished reading Fahrenheit 451 last night. Amazing book! I must have 30 flagged quotes in there that I found insightful. I'd post about it now, but I've had a long day and am too lazy to get up. Just thought I'd mention that Fahrenheit 451 is an amazing book.
Pax Christi!
Pax Christi!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Rambling Roads
These months off of school are dragging out...as I see my friends' posts about classes and college life I long to get back to that busy, late night schedule. It hasn't been a emotionally relaxing break. I've been through a lot recently and needed the time to think things out and deal with some baggage. Now though, I'm restless and ready for whatever lies ahead.
I wonder why things didn't work out last year. I really felt I was called to go to that particular school. I went with two of my best friends so I had support. The expensive tuition did not cause a problem. At the beginning of the first semester I loved everything. But to use the words of a speaker I heard recently, you need to plant yourself where you bear fruit 100 fold. That was not the best place for me to grow socially, spiritually or academically.
I've seen a friend's journey to college work the opposite way. She was adamantly against going to my school. She is a stellar student, should have been accepted anywhere she wanted to go. But for some reason door after door shut on her. Guess where she ended up? At my school. From everything I've heard, it is working out well.
Sometimes are lives seems to be filled with so many twists and turns, mistakes and ruts. God however sees the big picture. We see a rambling road, going aimlessly. He sees the intersections with other roads, the scenery we pass, and the perfect view from above. So while I'm impatient for what is around the next bend, I know these moments are just as important to Him. So I'll continue to work on bearing fruit here.
Pax Christi!
I wonder why things didn't work out last year. I really felt I was called to go to that particular school. I went with two of my best friends so I had support. The expensive tuition did not cause a problem. At the beginning of the first semester I loved everything. But to use the words of a speaker I heard recently, you need to plant yourself where you bear fruit 100 fold. That was not the best place for me to grow socially, spiritually or academically.
I've seen a friend's journey to college work the opposite way. She was adamantly against going to my school. She is a stellar student, should have been accepted anywhere she wanted to go. But for some reason door after door shut on her. Guess where she ended up? At my school. From everything I've heard, it is working out well.
Sometimes are lives seems to be filled with so many twists and turns, mistakes and ruts. God however sees the big picture. We see a rambling road, going aimlessly. He sees the intersections with other roads, the scenery we pass, and the perfect view from above. So while I'm impatient for what is around the next bend, I know these moments are just as important to Him. So I'll continue to work on bearing fruit here.
Pax Christi!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Second Chances
Did you ever have a situation get so out of hand that you wished you could start over? Not just be forgiven, but go back in time, permanently undo the wrongs. I know I have. Most of these mistakes happened months ago. I've replayed what I could have done differently, what I would do if I lived those moments again. I caused pain to people I love.
On the flip side, have you ever tried to forgive and forget someone else after being hurt, rejected, forgotten, or abused by someone you trusted? It is impossible to forget, I've tried. You can forgive and move on, but there is a shadow of a doubt, a blight on their name.
As I was thinking about these situations in my own life, situations in which I wish I had a second chance or could extend one, it came to me. I've been given countless "second" chances already. Jesus died on the cross for me- paying the debt for my sins. He adopted me into His family, giving me a "second chance" at a life of grace. Then each time I fell from that grace, He welcomed be back again through confession- wiping the slate clean again. This is an amazing gift I've taken for granted most of my life.
So maybe I will never be able to start over again with every friend I have hurt. But my best friend understands and will be there no matter what.
Pax Christi!
On the flip side, have you ever tried to forgive and forget someone else after being hurt, rejected, forgotten, or abused by someone you trusted? It is impossible to forget, I've tried. You can forgive and move on, but there is a shadow of a doubt, a blight on their name.
As I was thinking about these situations in my own life, situations in which I wish I had a second chance or could extend one, it came to me. I've been given countless "second" chances already. Jesus died on the cross for me- paying the debt for my sins. He adopted me into His family, giving me a "second chance" at a life of grace. Then each time I fell from that grace, He welcomed be back again through confession- wiping the slate clean again. This is an amazing gift I've taken for granted most of my life.
So maybe I will never be able to start over again with every friend I have hurt. But my best friend understands and will be there no matter what.
Pax Christi!
Unknowns
Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things are passing away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things
Whoever has God lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.
I love this quote by St. Teresa of Avila, especially at this point in my life. The future is filled with unknowns. I don't even know what college I'll be attending three months from now, let alone what comes next. I have a few hopes and dreams, but have little certainty that they will ever become reality. Personally, I find this void frightening. I like knowing what is ahead, I like having things planned out. But I know God's plan is better than anything I can imagine.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Brown Day and Brown Crayon
My pen broke, so I'm writing in crayon. This has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of my post, just thought I would share.
This morning I found a Dr. Seuss book I've never read before. Its called "My Many Colored Days." Basically, each day is "colored" by an emotion. No matter what color day it is though, the idea is I am always me.
I really like the story, simple as it is. Spiritually, I have many colored days. Some are gray- I have to force myself to rattle off the Hail Mary's for a decade or two before my mind wanders. On red days I'm on fire with love, I would do anything for Him in a heartbeat. When I feel eternally happy and grateful, like I'm about to burst- that is yellow. Brown days are those when praying is as comfortable and natural as talking to an old friend.
But it really doesn't matter what kind of day I'm having...so long as I continue praying.
Pax Christi!
This morning I found a Dr. Seuss book I've never read before. Its called "My Many Colored Days." Basically, each day is "colored" by an emotion. No matter what color day it is though, the idea is I am always me.
I really like the story, simple as it is. Spiritually, I have many colored days. Some are gray- I have to force myself to rattle off the Hail Mary's for a decade or two before my mind wanders. On red days I'm on fire with love, I would do anything for Him in a heartbeat. When I feel eternally happy and grateful, like I'm about to burst- that is yellow. Brown days are those when praying is as comfortable and natural as talking to an old friend.
But it really doesn't matter what kind of day I'm having...so long as I continue praying.
Pax Christi!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Not a Perfect Person
Good song. And it is very true, I'm not a perfect person. Just thought I'd say that.
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Forgiven, not Forgotten
I never thought I'd get to this point. It is the best feeling to have made it! I can look back, and not just see the pain. Looking at pictures no longer brings back the anger and regret. Instead I can appreciate what I had with all the people who have hurt me while it lasted. I miss those relationships and the good times, but it doesn't hurt anymore. Amazing!
What did I do to get here? I learned what forgiveness means. Fr. Hugh Gillespie explained it at Totus Tuus last weekend. I'll try to repeat it here...
Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. It doesn't mean pretending you weren't hurt. You have to acknowledge what happened and admit that it did hurt. Then you resolve not to continue victimizing yourself and holding it against the other person.
I'm still not in touch with most of the people I've forgiven for various reasons, but I don't have to be. I've done my part and it feels heavenly!
Pax Christi!
What did I do to get here? I learned what forgiveness means. Fr. Hugh Gillespie explained it at Totus Tuus last weekend. I'll try to repeat it here...
Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. It doesn't mean pretending you weren't hurt. You have to acknowledge what happened and admit that it did hurt. Then you resolve not to continue victimizing yourself and holding it against the other person.
I'm still not in touch with most of the people I've forgiven for various reasons, but I don't have to be. I've done my part and it feels heavenly!
Pax Christi!
Friday, October 8, 2010
Experiences
"To reach something good it is very useful to have gone astray, and thus acquire experience."
~Saint Teresa of Avila
I love this quote. It reminds me that my screw-ups, no matter how much they haunt me, do not shape my future. They are part of my past experiences, they give me perspective. But in the future I will do better.
Pax Christi!
Made for More
[God has placed you in this world] solely to show forth His goodness in you, giving you His grace and His glory. And to that end He has given you an understanding to know Him, a memory to be mindful of Him, a will to love Him, an imagination to represent yourself to His benefits, eyes to behold His wondrous works, a tongue to praise Him, etc.-Introduction to the Devout Life, by St. Francis DeSales
If that is what our faculties are made for, why would we want to use them for anything else? We are made for so much more than this mediocre life we are living.
Pax Christi!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Friends
I went to adoration tonight. My first thought was, "You're still here." Kinda weird, of course He would be there. But I just saw most of my friends for the weekend. They all live over an hour away...most several hours. Jesus was there, so for some reason I felt like He should be gone too. But my Best Friend is always near. For that I am so thankful!
Pax Christi!
Pax Christi!
I've never met a white person...
I'm still trying to process everything that happened this weekend. There were so many memorable moments, some hilarious, others touching or inspiring. I'm just going to list some of my favorites here.
The car ride home with my adopted family. Shortest 6 hour car ride of my life!
Passing notes during talks...
Deacon Randy, giving me a blessing with a P.S. message to God
Adoration- see my last post
Chris Padgett's rant against Twilight
Hiding from the rain in Redeemer Hall, having deep theological talks late at night.
Over the weekend I realized how blessed I am with, first of all, a wonderful family. Secondly, an amazing second family in my 9 Service Corps friends (and their families!) And then on top of that I have so many other friends who share my faith and are so encouraging and inspiring. If I have been given this much, how can I not share it?
Pax Christi!
"I've never met a white person. This is white *points to paper* I don't see any white people"~Cardinal Arinze, funniest man ever!
"When you plant yourself in the right place, in the right way, happiness and fulfillment will come."~Fr. Hugh Gillespie, SMM
The car ride home with my adopted family. Shortest 6 hour car ride of my life!
Passing notes during talks...
Deacon Randy, giving me a blessing with a P.S. message to God
Adoration- see my last post
Chris Padgett's rant against Twilight
"Bella is crazy! She needs serious counseling!"Climbing ten commandment hill, again.
Hiding from the rain in Redeemer Hall, having deep theological talks late at night.
Over the weekend I realized how blessed I am with, first of all, a wonderful family. Secondly, an amazing second family in my 9 Service Corps friends (and their families!) And then on top of that I have so many other friends who share my faith and are so encouraging and inspiring. If I have been given this much, how can I not share it?
Pax Christi!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Totally Yours
Totus Tuus.
Totally Yours.
This weekend retreat was truly and experience for me of how great it is to belong totally to God. He is so amazing!
Adoration led to a much needed conversation with God. As the Eucharist was exposed, a hundred voices worshiped our Lord with songs of praise. I really prayed the words and soon tears were streaming down my face. They were desperately needed tears. At last I talked to Him about all the worries and hurts that have been weighing me down. I gave Him my broken and bruised heart, truly contrite for what I did to get it in that state. He heard me and caught every tear. That was enough.
But I wanted more. I felt alone, though I knew my Best Friend was enough. God is so good, that He gave me what I wanted as well. A friend of mine turned from her own prayers to give me a hug. "You are beautiful," she whispered in my ear. My words changed to ones of thanksgiving and praise, but God was not done. A few minutes later a second friend came to my side and asked if she could pray for me. I was overwhelmed with God's love for me.
If this is what it means to be totally His, to trust Him with my concerns and future and be given more than I need, I'll do that. Totus Tuus.
Pax Christi!
Totally Yours.
This weekend retreat was truly and experience for me of how great it is to belong totally to God. He is so amazing!
Adoration led to a much needed conversation with God. As the Eucharist was exposed, a hundred voices worshiped our Lord with songs of praise. I really prayed the words and soon tears were streaming down my face. They were desperately needed tears. At last I talked to Him about all the worries and hurts that have been weighing me down. I gave Him my broken and bruised heart, truly contrite for what I did to get it in that state. He heard me and caught every tear. That was enough.
But I wanted more. I felt alone, though I knew my Best Friend was enough. God is so good, that He gave me what I wanted as well. A friend of mine turned from her own prayers to give me a hug. "You are beautiful," she whispered in my ear. My words changed to ones of thanksgiving and praise, but God was not done. A few minutes later a second friend came to my side and asked if she could pray for me. I was overwhelmed with God's love for me.
If this is what it means to be totally His, to trust Him with my concerns and future and be given more than I need, I'll do that. Totus Tuus.
Pax Christi!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Bad Weather, Traffic, and Hope
I'm on my way back to Familyland. Currently, I'm staying at my friend's house- but my friend is 365 miles away at college. One more day till I see her, and about 25 other people I miss like crazy. Anyway, the G-family is amazing. They are letting me stay with them for a weekend conference at Catholic Familyland. I know the name sounds cheesy and lame, but it is my favorite place on earth. It is like a second home.
On the drive here I realized just how much I need the spiritual renewal of this weekend. I'll admit, this summer I've been more on track spiritually than the past 18 months or so. Still, I prayed more in that 2 1/2 hour drive than I usually do in a week! Why is it that traffic and bad weather bring me to my knees faster than emotional stress or other worries about life?
Oh yeah, I decided that I should name my car while we were stuck in traffic together. I'm calling her Hope.
On the drive here I realized just how much I need the spiritual renewal of this weekend. I'll admit, this summer I've been more on track spiritually than the past 18 months or so. Still, I prayed more in that 2 1/2 hour drive than I usually do in a week! Why is it that traffic and bad weather bring me to my knees faster than emotional stress or other worries about life?
Oh yeah, I decided that I should name my car while we were stuck in traffic together. I'm calling her Hope.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Bountiful Blessings
Yesterday, someone reminded me things could always be worse. It has gotten me thinking about all the blessings I have in my life. Its been a rough couple of months for em, but I'm still aware of how many blessings I have.
#1 The cool weather is back! (Just a note: these are in the order I think of them, not the order of importance.)
#2 My little brother and I have started having conversations. Its mostly just me talking, and only when I am driving him somewhere, but for us this is huge!
#3 Computers, with most of my friends scattered across the county- and even overseas my computer is a lifeline.
#4 My sister is talking to me. Growing up we didn't usually get along, but since I've come home from college things are working out.
#5 My recent bad experiences- in college, with friends, breaking-up, and with my first "real job" have given me a lot of perspective. Any decision, no matter how big can be changed later. It is reassuring to know that.
#6 Gilmore Girls. This seems completely frivolous, but this TV show is making me laugh and chasing away any clouds that come my way.
#7 I never go hungry.
#8 My church is great and I love the family I have there. It is really wonderful to have a place where you are welcomed and missed when you leave town. (besides home, of course)
#9 My brother Nicholas who is always there when I need him.
#10 My mom. She listens to everything I say no matter how crazy and supports all my decisions, even when she doesn't agree with them.
#11 My friends. I know some really amazingly talented and wonderful people. I can't wait to see what they will accomplish in the future.
#12 My car. It gives me a lot of freedom to explore and gives me perspective on the world.
#13 Books. Books are wonderful tickets into other worlds. Since I started reading "Fahrenheit 451" I have gained a new appreciation for them.
And last, but definitely not least...
#14 My faith. Knowing that God has a detailed plan for my life, better than anything I can come up with gives me hope for my future.
Pax Christi!
#1 The cool weather is back! (Just a note: these are in the order I think of them, not the order of importance.)
#2 My little brother and I have started having conversations. Its mostly just me talking, and only when I am driving him somewhere, but for us this is huge!
#3 Computers, with most of my friends scattered across the county- and even overseas my computer is a lifeline.
#4 My sister is talking to me. Growing up we didn't usually get along, but since I've come home from college things are working out.
#5 My recent bad experiences- in college, with friends, breaking-up, and with my first "real job" have given me a lot of perspective. Any decision, no matter how big can be changed later. It is reassuring to know that.
#6 Gilmore Girls. This seems completely frivolous, but this TV show is making me laugh and chasing away any clouds that come my way.
#7 I never go hungry.
#8 My church is great and I love the family I have there. It is really wonderful to have a place where you are welcomed and missed when you leave town. (besides home, of course)
#9 My brother Nicholas who is always there when I need him.
#10 My mom. She listens to everything I say no matter how crazy and supports all my decisions, even when she doesn't agree with them.
#11 My friends. I know some really amazingly talented and wonderful people. I can't wait to see what they will accomplish in the future.
#12 My car. It gives me a lot of freedom to explore and gives me perspective on the world.
#13 Books. Books are wonderful tickets into other worlds. Since I started reading "Fahrenheit 451" I have gained a new appreciation for them.
And last, but definitely not least...
#14 My faith. Knowing that God has a detailed plan for my life, better than anything I can come up with gives me hope for my future.
Pax Christi!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Padre Pio, Pray for Us!
On the feast of St. Padre Pio, I thought I'd post a few quotes from this great saint that I particularly like.
"Pray, hope, and don't worry. Worry is useless. God is merciful and will hear your prayer."
"The longer the trial to which God subjects you, the greater the goodness in comforting you during the time of the trial and in the exaltation after the combat. "
"Keep close to the Catholic Church at all times, for the Church alone can give you true peace, since she alone possesses Jesus, the true Prince of Peace, in the Blessed Sacrament."
"The proof of love is to suffer for the one you love"
"You must speak to Jesus also with the heart, besides with the lips; indeed, in certain cases you must speak to Him only with the heart. "
"At times Our Lord makes you feel the burden of the Cross. This burden seems intolerable to you. But as for you, carry it because the Lord extends His hand and gives you strength."
"The time spent for the glory of God and the salvation of souls is never spent badly."
"Walk in the way of the Lord with simplicity and do not torment your spirit. You must hate your defects, but with a quiet hate, not troublesome and restless."
"Pray, hope, and don't worry. Worry is useless. God is merciful and will hear your prayer."
"The longer the trial to which God subjects you, the greater the goodness in comforting you during the time of the trial and in the exaltation after the combat. "
"Keep close to the Catholic Church at all times, for the Church alone can give you true peace, since she alone possesses Jesus, the true Prince of Peace, in the Blessed Sacrament."
"The proof of love is to suffer for the one you love"
"You must speak to Jesus also with the heart, besides with the lips; indeed, in certain cases you must speak to Him only with the heart. "
"At times Our Lord makes you feel the burden of the Cross. This burden seems intolerable to you. But as for you, carry it because the Lord extends His hand and gives you strength."
"The time spent for the glory of God and the salvation of souls is never spent badly."
"Walk in the way of the Lord with simplicity and do not torment your spirit. You must hate your defects, but with a quiet hate, not troublesome and restless."
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
A Spark of Hope
All it takes is a moment, a flicker of hope to disperse the clouds that hang around me. I recently heard a priest say, "When one spark enters a black hole, it [the black hole] ceases to exist." Despair is a seemingly infinite abcess, but the same theory holds true.
"Hope does not disappoint."
Tonight in adoration, I came across this line. (I love Romans, it is by far my favorite book of the Bible.) It was perfect. God chose that moment to speak to me through the words of St. Paul. He let me know that I shouldn't give up. Hope might be all I have some days, but it is enough. And when I start to lose hope, there is always something that He uses to inspire me again.
My thoughts drifted to one of my current odd jobs. I am teaching a beautiful girl, Maricruz to read. Her mother tried to abort her before she was born. As a result, this 21 year old is in a wheelchair, legally blind, and diagnosed autistic. Today it took her an hour to struggle through a short story about Frog and Toad. When I'm working with her though, all I see is the joy. She is thrilled to have me there, to be learning, no matter how hard it is. In adoration it came to me, if Maricruz can learn to read, despite all her handicaps, surely I can survive what life has thrown at me.
And so I continue on, with a spark of hope to light the way.
"Hope does not disappoint."
Tonight in adoration, I came across this line. (I love Romans, it is by far my favorite book of the Bible.) It was perfect. God chose that moment to speak to me through the words of St. Paul. He let me know that I shouldn't give up. Hope might be all I have some days, but it is enough. And when I start to lose hope, there is always something that He uses to inspire me again.
My thoughts drifted to one of my current odd jobs. I am teaching a beautiful girl, Maricruz to read. Her mother tried to abort her before she was born. As a result, this 21 year old is in a wheelchair, legally blind, and diagnosed autistic. Today it took her an hour to struggle through a short story about Frog and Toad. When I'm working with her though, all I see is the joy. She is thrilled to have me there, to be learning, no matter how hard it is. In adoration it came to me, if Maricruz can learn to read, despite all her handicaps, surely I can survive what life has thrown at me.
And so I continue on, with a spark of hope to light the way.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Beautiful Nights
Sometimes the night was beautiful
Sometimes the sky was so far away
Sometimes it seemed to stoop so close
You could touch it but your heart would break
Tonight is a night just like that. It feels like the distance between heaven and earth has been eliminated. God is reaching out His hands to me. But I'm already so overwhelmed with His Love I think I would explode if I received anymore. I don't know what brings on moments like this. I just treasure them while they last.
Now is the time, You are the one.
Is there a person who by their words and actions introduced you to God or brought you deeper into your faith? I've been blessed with many people who have done this for me. Some of their words still encourage me today.
Women, You are the image of the Church.
You are Christ's light to the world.
You are unique, wonderful, and amazing. Anthing else you're told is a lie.
Now is the time, You are the one.Why am I telling you this? As I've been thinking about what I want to do with my life these people have come to mind: my youth minister, inspirational speakers, friends, numerous priests, religious sisters, and many others. These people have changed who I am, how I view God, and how I live my faith. I want to be a person like that, a person who brings others closer to God. I don't know how, I don't know what role I'll play. But I know this: Now is the time, I am the one.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
The Future
"The future is not in our hands. We have no power over it. We can act only today. We have a sentence in our Constitution that says: ‘We will allow the good God to make plans for the future – for yesterday has gone, tomorrow has not yet come and we have only today to make Him known, loved and served.’ So we do not worry about the future."
~Mother Teresa
~Mother Teresa
Monday, September 13, 2010
What do you want to do?
I finally did it! I talked to a sister about my interest in religious life. Now I'm really wondering what was scaring me in the first place...
I'll admit I was shocked when I walked into the parlor and saw the wall with only windows into the convent. (See picture here https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzRD3ELA9inJpP7iKfdPX1O2FrSxqSKSNbJGRXWsXlkNrDpX2PIdt3ORq8qPZJRmr0zUx83b-VrVZHg3fz-lsEsSD4l1WwAonnbbfWVdreu6hE8LvJgY-NKiL2u_CZGilK8BRQ5o4_g1c/s1600/IMG_1075.JPG ) At least there wasn't a grille! I think that would have sent me running!
I've always known sisters were normal people, but it really sunk in today that their lives are "normal" too. Sister Mary Catherine talked about the other women in her community- Sister So-and-So loves to garden, Sister What's-her-name is going to destroy her habits playing sports before she professes vows, Sister Who-is-that wrote to the community for 12 years before entering. There is so much more that she told me...advice on discernment, explanations of their life, stories of the novices and aspirants they've had through the years. I'm still trying to process it all. One question she asked near the beginning of our talk rally left me fumbling for an answer though.
What do you want to do?
I really hadn't thought about that. So I'm off to pray and ponder...
Pax Christi!
I'll admit I was shocked when I walked into the parlor and saw the wall with only windows into the convent. (See picture here https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzRD3ELA9inJpP7iKfdPX1O2FrSxqSKSNbJGRXWsXlkNrDpX2PIdt3ORq8qPZJRmr0zUx83b-VrVZHg3fz-lsEsSD4l1WwAonnbbfWVdreu6hE8LvJgY-NKiL2u_CZGilK8BRQ5o4_g1c/s1600/IMG_1075.JPG ) At least there wasn't a grille! I think that would have sent me running!
I've always known sisters were normal people, but it really sunk in today that their lives are "normal" too. Sister Mary Catherine talked about the other women in her community- Sister So-and-So loves to garden, Sister What's-her-name is going to destroy her habits playing sports before she professes vows, Sister Who-is-that wrote to the community for 12 years before entering. There is so much more that she told me...advice on discernment, explanations of their life, stories of the novices and aspirants they've had through the years. I'm still trying to process it all. One question she asked near the beginning of our talk rally left me fumbling for an answer though.
What do you want to do?
I really hadn't thought about that. So I'm off to pray and ponder...
Pax Christi!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
What to wear....
I am going to visit a convent next week. At the moment my most pressing concern is what to wear. However this is a big step and I'm sure a bunch of other concerns will soon start to overwhelm me.
The community is the Dominicans in Summit, NJ. Here is a link to their blog:
Anyway the point of this post is to ask for prayers as I continue with my discernment process. Peace!
The community is the Dominicans in Summit, NJ. Here is a link to their blog:
Anyway the point of this post is to ask for prayers as I continue with my discernment process. Peace!
Friday, September 3, 2010
One Song
My taste in music differs according to my mood. This is the only song that I will currently listen to in any mood. I never thought of it as referring to anyone but God until I heard it on the TV show "Smallville".
Everything by Lifehouse
Everything by Lifehouse
Find me here. And speak to me.
I want to feel You, I need to hear You
You are the light, that's leading me
To the place where I find peace, again.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the life, to my soul.
You are my purpose, You're everything.
And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this?
You calm the storms, and You give me rest.
You hold me in Your hands, You won't let me fall.
You still my heart, and You take my breath away.
Would You take me in? Take me deeper now?
And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this?
Cause You're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want, You're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want, You're all I need.
You're everything, everything.
And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be any better, any better than this?
And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this?
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this?
Thursday, September 2, 2010
New URL, Same Blog
Unfortunately, something happened. I am no longer updating my old blog
http://micole-insearchofpeace.blogspot.com The URL for this blog is similar: http://insearchofpeace-micole.blogspot.com Also I will be adding my old posts to this blog.
Anyway, I hope this isn't too confusing and that I won't have to change spots again. :)
http://micole-insearchofpeace.blogspot.com The URL for this blog is similar: http://insearchofpeace-micole.blogspot.com Also I will be adding my old posts to this blog.
Anyway, I hope this isn't too confusing and that I won't have to change spots again. :)
Monday, August 30, 2010
My Journey
I doubt anything I write tonight will make any sense at all. This is the result of a cup of coffee at 8:30pm, but since I'm up and thoughts are flooding through my mind, here it goes.
Do you ever wonder what made you the person you are right now? I do. I'm responsible, mature, fervently Catholic, outwardly optimistic, inwardly a worrier, some weird mix between an introvert and an extrovert. I love children, the number 5, purple, singing, a good book, crisp & cool autumn days, brown eyed susans, late nights, the ocean, road trips, hard work... I enjoy moving fast, but hate running. I cry every December 6th. I have no big aspirations for my future (besides going to heaven). Seeing people mad at each other for long periods of time breaks my heart; I have never managed to be mad at anyone for more than a few days (I've tried). All of these things are me. But why?
Some of the aforementioned traits are recent. For instance, I have only enjoyed road trips for the past year or so. Other preferences, like mine for the color purple, have lasted 16 years. Every event, every soccer game, every field trip and talk with friends impacted who I am today. My father's death when I was 10 and being raised in a large family made me mature and responsible. I inherited the worrying, but the optimism is a coping mechanism I picked up to deal with life.
Anyway, all of these things, these little talents and quirks are part of God's plan for me. I firmly believe at some point in time these idiosyncrasies will help me in my vocation, doing God's will. Just like in the movie "Signs" how the little girl's OCD about water and her brother's asthma save the day? But for this to be true, every moment of my life, the nights I couldn't sleep, the days nothing went right, the trials and the joys- every detail God worked into his plan for me. As St. Teresa of Avila said, "The feeling remains that God is on the journey too." And that thought can bring peace even during the most confusing parts of life. For God is on the journey too.
Do you ever wonder what made you the person you are right now? I do. I'm responsible, mature, fervently Catholic, outwardly optimistic, inwardly a worrier, some weird mix between an introvert and an extrovert. I love children, the number 5, purple, singing, a good book, crisp & cool autumn days, brown eyed susans, late nights, the ocean, road trips, hard work... I enjoy moving fast, but hate running. I cry every December 6th. I have no big aspirations for my future (besides going to heaven). Seeing people mad at each other for long periods of time breaks my heart; I have never managed to be mad at anyone for more than a few days (I've tried). All of these things are me. But why?
Some of the aforementioned traits are recent. For instance, I have only enjoyed road trips for the past year or so. Other preferences, like mine for the color purple, have lasted 16 years. Every event, every soccer game, every field trip and talk with friends impacted who I am today. My father's death when I was 10 and being raised in a large family made me mature and responsible. I inherited the worrying, but the optimism is a coping mechanism I picked up to deal with life.
Anyway, all of these things, these little talents and quirks are part of God's plan for me. I firmly believe at some point in time these idiosyncrasies will help me in my vocation, doing God's will. Just like in the movie "Signs" how the little girl's OCD about water and her brother's asthma save the day? But for this to be true, every moment of my life, the nights I couldn't sleep, the days nothing went right, the trials and the joys- every detail God worked into his plan for me. As St. Teresa of Avila said, "The feeling remains that God is on the journey too." And that thought can bring peace even during the most confusing parts of life. For God is on the journey too.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Beautiful Soul
I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me.
What girl isn't waiting for a man who will say this? As I listened to this song today I longed for this kind of love.
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I want to chase
You're the one I want to hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
Isn't this what my Prince Charming will do? Come into my life, see my true internal beauty and pursue me? But the phrase "beautiful soul" sent my ADD mind from these thoughts down a random path. I realized I don't need to waste time longing for this love. I already have it. There is a man in my life who says these words to me everyday. God sees the beauty and potential in me. He is pursuing me, asking for my love in return.
You might need time to think it over,
But I'm just fine moving forward
Jesus wants to be the number one guy in my life, He wants to have a close relationship with me. So whenever I start wishing I wasn't single, I'll remember only One can see the depths of my beautiful soul.
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me.
What girl isn't waiting for a man who will say this? As I listened to this song today I longed for this kind of love.
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I want to chase
You're the one I want to hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
Isn't this what my Prince Charming will do? Come into my life, see my true internal beauty and pursue me? But the phrase "beautiful soul" sent my ADD mind from these thoughts down a random path. I realized I don't need to waste time longing for this love. I already have it. There is a man in my life who says these words to me everyday. God sees the beauty and potential in me. He is pursuing me, asking for my love in return.
You might need time to think it over,
But I'm just fine moving forward
Jesus wants to be the number one guy in my life, He wants to have a close relationship with me. So whenever I start wishing I wasn't single, I'll remember only One can see the depths of my beautiful soul.
Back on Track
I have a confession to make: I've gotten off track. The past three months have been full of changes and challenges. I have neglected to truly live my life and fight the fight of faith. No more. I'm wasting precious time, as God has pointed out to me through several people.
Here are my goals for the next four months (until I start school again):
- Help out at home
- Visit one convent each month (I already have plans for September. I was in touch with more convents, but found that I mixed up the charisms and names of the communities.)
- Go to daily Mass at least twice a week (I am blessed with several opportunities each day.)
- Go to confession once a month (Finally I'll have a job that allows me to go on a Saturday afternoon.)
- Visit colleges and make my decision
- Volunteer at church and in my community
- Be active in my parish's young adult group
I ask all of you reading this for prayers as I get back to running this race, truly living my life for Christ each day. I'll be posting many entries I've written in the near future.
Here are my goals for the next four months (until I start school again):
- Help out at home
- Visit one convent each month (I already have plans for September. I was in touch with more convents, but found that I mixed up the charisms and names of the communities.)
- Go to daily Mass at least twice a week (I am blessed with several opportunities each day.)
- Go to confession once a month (Finally I'll have a job that allows me to go on a Saturday afternoon.)
- Visit colleges and make my decision
- Volunteer at church and in my community
- Be active in my parish's young adult group
I ask all of you reading this for prayers as I get back to running this race, truly living my life for Christ each day. I'll be posting many entries I've written in the near future.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Learn how to live your life
I love Relient K. The above title is a quote from one of their songs, College Kids. That was my theme song this past school year. The ending lines sum up my life now that I have graduated with my first degree(associates):
Do what will make God happy, do what you feel is right, only but one thing matters: learn how to live your life.
That is what I am doing right now, learning how to live my life; as a Catholic, as a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a friend, an employee, a graduate, in all the roles in my life. I'm falling and stumbling like everyone else, it feels like more than everyone else.
I'm not sure what the point of this blog is...mostly a way of updating faraway friends on my life. But hopefully, sharing the random passing thoughts in my mind will help someone, as each of us search for peace in our lives. Because isn't that something all of us want?
Do what will make God happy, do what you feel is right, only but one thing matters: learn how to live your life.
That is what I am doing right now, learning how to live my life; as a Catholic, as a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a friend, an employee, a graduate, in all the roles in my life. I'm falling and stumbling like everyone else, it feels like more than everyone else.
I'm not sure what the point of this blog is...mostly a way of updating faraway friends on my life. But hopefully, sharing the random passing thoughts in my mind will help someone, as each of us search for peace in our lives. Because isn't that something all of us want?
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