Until We Meet Again

I've decided to stop posting on this blog for now. I might return sometime in the future, but for now I need to focus on prayer and discernment. Please keep me in your prayers!

Pax Christi!

Saints

“For me not only a few great saints whom I love and whom I know well are “signposts”, but precisely also the simple saints, that is, the good people I see in my life who will never be canonized. They are ordinary people, so to speak, without visible heroism but in their everyday goodness I see the truth of faith. This goodness, which they have developed in the faith of the Church, is for me the most reliable apology of Christianity and the sign of where the truth lies.”
— Pope Benedict XVI on the goodness of ordinary people

My mother has always pointed out the connections between saints who lived in the same area, at the same time. Such as St. Turibus who confirmed St. Rose of Lima in the faith. St Rose was also influenced by St. Martin of Porres saintly acts. Or Don Bosco and Dominic Savio. Clare and Francis of Assisi. And I've often wondered if those holy men and women knew that their friends, family members, or acquaintances were saints. Were they aware of how greatly that person was connected to God?
Sometimes I really think some of my friends are well on their way to becoming saints. Their love of God shines so brightly through them, that I fall in love with Him again. Their conversations center on Christ. I'm blessed to know these people, blessed to have them in my life. I try to be like them, I want to closeness to God that they have and I glimpse when talking to them.

And I met these people through one place: the apostolate for family consecration. This place is so wonderful, truly like a meeting of heaven and earth. I'm thank God for the blessing this organization has been in my faith life, especially in allowing me to meet these friends.

Pax Christi!

Desiring to Please

This prayer speaks the words that are really on my heart during this time of waiting.

Prayer of Thomas Merton

My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me
Nor do I really know myself,
And the fact that I think I am following Your will
Does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please You
Does in fact please You.
And I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this,
You will lead me by the right road
Though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust You always though,
I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. * I will not fear, for You are ever with me,
And You will never leave me to face my struggles alone.

Blessings

I'm thankful for the sun. I'm thankful that I don't have a need to be out working in the heat. I'm thankful that God has a plan for me that is better than what I can think up. I'm thankful for my mother who just listened to me as I thought out loud about what will happen in my future. I'm thankful for friends who understand. I'm thankful for emails filled with exclamation points. I'm thankful for prayers from friends in convents. I'm thankful for the Eucharist. I'm thankful that I have food to eat. I'm thankful that nothing on earth is permanent but God's love. I'm thankful for water. I'm thankful for advanced science that made benadryl possible. I'm thankful for caffeine. I'm thankful for the anticipation of a long phone call with a dear friend.
I'm thankful of everywhere I've been and everything that has happened that has brought me to this place. I'm thankful for the hope for a future lived with God.
Today, I think I'm learning what it means to be still and know that He is God.

Pax Christi!

Home

Alone, again. Sometimes, she felt like she lived in the mirror. There were people around, but she was unable to reach out to them, unable to connect. The others were talking amongst themselves, but she couldn't hear a word. A few who looked to be her age were giggling and whispering. Clearly enjoying themselves. She was present, but so removed from whatever was going on. What was going on? She really didn't know why she was there...
Silently and unnoticed by anyone she slipped out the door. Quickly she walked down the main street, not thinking about where she was going. It was instinctive. She opened the one door of the church that was left unlocked and stepped into the sanctuary. Immediately she breathed a sigh of relief.
He was here. Everything was alright. This was the one place she felt loved. This was the one place she was convinced she wasn't crazy. How could the rest of the world live without this, without Him?
Here she was home.

Forgiveness

So I'm realizing something. Forgiveness does not just consist in saying "I forgive you." Forgiveness does not mean being able to talk to the person again. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting that you were hurt. Forgiveness does not mean not hurting any more.
Forgiveness means caring about the person despite what they did. Forgiveness means being hurt but not blaming them anymore. Forgiveness means loving the person again. Sometimes that love is not enough to heal the relationship. But it is enough by itself.

Pax Christi!

Relics of Love

I just went to a relic exhibition. I've never been a huge fan of relics. I LOVE the saints. Pretty much I grew up reading their stories and fell in love. Because of the books my parents had in the house, I never thought of the saints as anything but ordinary people I could connect with. But relics are often parts of dead people and that I find disturbing. I shivered with disgust when Father mentioned disintegrating flesh. I just don't like that image.
But the miracles. The stories. The people who lived such extraordinary lives. The love. That is what relics are about. Relics are about how God uses what is dead to bring life into people again. God chooses to point back to the people who spent their lives pointing to Him. He changes people.
It was overwhelming. I wish I could go again so everything would sink in further. So I could read every single plaque with the story of each of those saints.
These are love stories. These are ordinary people transformed by God's grace and love. It is so overwhelming.

Gluten Free!

I've been gluten free for 9 and a half days now. And I think it is helping already. I'm happy and sad saying that. I love pasta, pizza, and other "normal" food. But not being sick, that is worth not eating sandwiches ever again. I though I would care more, I really thought that I would hate it. But giving up things that are bad for you is never quite as hard as you think.
Giving up the half hour of facebook or tv shows to pray is not going to be a painful sacrifice. It will be worth it, I know. Or later, giving up romantic relationships to make space in my life for a deeper relationship with Jesus will be worth it. Giving up things however innocent they may be that don't make me spiritually healthy will make my life better. I just need the courage to try it.

Pax Christi!

Suffering is Love

"My daughter, do not weep, for I cannot bear your tears. I will grant you everything you ask for, but stop crying."
I read this line spoken by Jesus to Sr. Faustina yesterday evening. I think that is when it started to sink in. Jesus cares about my pain. I've always known this in my head, but during the past couple of years have really had a hard time understanding it in my heart. Whenever things get stressful and I'm upset, I find praying to be a struggle. He has the power to end my suffering, so why doesn't He?
As I'm reading the Diary of St. Faustina, He is working a change in my heart. Suffering is love, the opportunities He gives me to suffer are opportunities for me to demonstrate my love to Him.

Pax Christi!

Understanding God

The more I look back over the past couple years, the more I realize how many people are no longer in my life. Some we merely grew apart. Others live far away and we didn't stay in touch. Some abruptly were cut off for various reasons. But one person has always been there. My mom.
She was there when I went off to college and my stuff got lost moving in. She was there when I decided a few months later that college wasn't for me. She supported me when I told her I was in a relationship and when it ended. She is there to listen and offer advice whether the problem is with school, work, friends or life decisions.

Recently, I've been thinking about how our earthly relationships help us to understand and relate to God. The reason we use terms like father and son, Jesus our brother, Jesus as a lover is because those are human ways of relating to other people. My having older brothers who were there to give advice, protect me and explain things to me, gave me an understanding of Jesus as my brother. My best friend, the person I told everything to, helped me to learn to confide in Him.
But stronger than either of these is the idea of a mother's love. Isaiah wrote "Can a mother forget her child and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!" (49:15) The only reason I can understand God's infinite love in any capacity is because I first experienced a similar love from my mother.
So this mother's day, I'm thanking God for blessing me so abundantly. Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

Pax Christi!

6 am

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I like being up at 6am this morning. I've always appreciated being the only one awake. This comes from a time when my house was brimming over with people and quiet was unheard of. Now quiet is fairly common, but I still like sitting in my room or outside late at night. Having quiet conversations with my God.
Today though, I'm up at 6 am, an "ungodly hour" as it is usually said. But I'm finding that it is like being up late at night- only the morning is full of hope and promise. It is an hour filled with God's presence, just like every other hour of the day. Sitting at the table with a cup of coffee, I just was with Him.
I was already planning on waking up earlier this summer. Preparation for whatever community I might be called to join (since almost all of them start prayer before 8 am) Now though I'm actually looking forward to more mornings like this. Thank you, Jesus!

Pax Christi!

A Unique Love

So I recently finished reading He and I and am now moving on to St. Faustina's Diary. (I have a feeling that this will take a bit longer than the two months for He and I.) One thing struck me right away was how different the relationships I'm reading about are. Both women were very close to God and conversed with Him in a intimate way. Yet the way He speaks to them are so drastically different. His love is different. And His love continues to be discriminate.

He loves me in a unique way. The way He reaches out to me is not the same as any other person in existence or in history or in the future. He made me individual so He reaches out in the way that is best for me. And as I grow, so does He, like Aslan in the Narnia books. I can never outgrow God, even though at 20 I've outgrown other friends.

If you haven't read St. Faustina's Diary (which is intimidating in size) I think you should pick it up. Read a few lines. It is a beautiful love story.

Now I'm just waiting to read my own love story.

Pax Christi!

Fruits of Silence

"A sacrifice to be real must cost, must hurt, must empty ourselves. The fruit of silence is prayer, the fruit of prayer is faith, the fruit of faith is love, the fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace."

I want to return to silence, not because I love silence itself, but for what it does in me. So I'm starting right now.

Mercy

"When I look into the future, I am frightened,
But why plunge into the future?
Only the present moment is precious to me,
As the future may never enter my soul at all.

It is no longer in my power,
To change, correct or add to the past;
For neither sages nor prophets could do that.
And so, what the past has embraced I must entrust to God.

O present moment, you belong to me, whole and entire.
I desire to use you as best I can.
And although I am weak and small,
You grant me the grace of your omnipotence.

And so, trusting in Your mercy,
I walk through life like a little child,
Offering You each day this heart
Burning with love for Your greater glory."

Mercy Sunday has been celebrated in some way by my family for years. We've said the divine mercy novena for as long as I can remember. I've talked about it before, done research on St. Faustina because she is a distant relative. But today I started reading the diary for the first time, interested in what the feast is all about. The above passage was the first thing I read. I was amazed...those words were what I needed to hear. I was worrying over something I said yesterday. But the past is the past. Jesus's mercy covers all.

What is mercy? I asked my little sister that question and she used the definition from VeggieTales: mercy is giving a second chance to someone who doesn't deserve it. I couldn't think of anything better so I looked it up. The first meaning is compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm. Another is an event to be grateful for, esp. because its occurrence prevents something unpleasant or provides relief from suffering. I've gotten that second chance, that overwhelming forgiveness from God that changed my life.

I feel kinda silly in not learning more about this before. But I'm excited to read the rest of Faustina's diary! Side note because of the news reports: May God have mercy on the soul of Osama BinLaden.

Pax Christi!

Dents in My Fender

At 20 years of age, I'm still looking for a dream....and You've got great plans for me, though I can't always see.
This line caught my attention the other day. My sister had gotten a new cd for Easter and while I knew most of the songs, I'd never noticed this line before. Or maybe it just spoke to me now. For some reason, twenty always seemed really old to me. I remember being little and thinking everything would make sense when I was 20 or I'd be all grown up at 20. It probably had to do with the fact that my older brother was married at 20. Maybe. Or just because I like nice round numbers. But my 20th birthday is less than 2 months away now. And I'm still searching. I've learned a lot of lessons. I know I'm on the right path. Where I'll end up remains to be known. All I know for certain at this point is my plans for the next week!

I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

The refrain makes mistakes sounds so poetic and nice. To say I've just put dents in my fender and rips in my jeans makes it sound like a rustic scene in a picture. But as time has gone by from the major mistakes I've made, I've been able to appreciate what I've learned. Sure there are still consequences and broken friendships, but the hurt isn't as bad. I'm sure at this point my soul has dents and rips. Isn't that what we believe about confession? It forgives the sin, but there are still consequences. The more I come to know Him though the less this bothers me. I'm on the right path now and that is what matters. And even if I fall away again, He'll pick me up and out me on His shoulders. :)

Pax Christi!

23 Days Until Judgment Day!

Sometimes I'm very glad to be Catholic. I've been watching the electronic billboard on the way home from school countdown for a week or so. I wouldn't want that pressure: the pressure of knowing (or thinking at least, since they are most likely wrong) when the world would end. I wouldn't want the pressure of interpreting Jesus' words for myself. I mean, I read the Bible on my own (occasionally) but I've already heard 90% of it at Mass. And there any confusing statements or seemingly contradictory statements are explained by someone a lot more educated on the matter than I am. I wouldn't want to confess my sins just to God. Sure, sometimes, the idea of not going to confession and stating my sins out loud sounds wonderful. But I've struggled with knowing that I am forgiven even when the priest says the words, "Go in peace. Your sins are forgiven." How much worse would it be if I didn't hear those words?

I think it is really easy as a "cradle Catholic" to take the gift of the faith for granted. I know nothing else, but today I realized, once again, what a gift it is.

Pax Christi!

Emmaus

"Were not our hearts burning within us?"

The story of Emmaus always reminds me of the summer I did service corps. We walked the "road to Emmaus," both the actual road to our house named after this place and in our journey with Jesus. I started out that summer with my own intent. I was going to try out religious life, not particularly to grow closer to Christ or be open to His Will. The two disciples in the story started out going to Emmaus, but immediately after recognizing Jesus, their plans changed. They returned to Jerusalem.
I walked that road to Emmaus with my friends, my sisters in Christ. With each one, the journey was different. Each one helped me to grow in my relationship with Him that summer. I did not recognize that He was often speaking through them. In fact, I don't think I realized how greatly God was working in my that summer. I often wonder about how I got so off track afterwards... I couldn't keep the prayer life that had been so easy to maintain there. But I didn't realize how much of that grace was directly from Him. That passion for the faith was a grace for the moment to help me draw closer. It made my heart burn with in me out of love.
Now I have to work harder. Life is different outside a religious community. Mass and prayer times have to be worked around work schedules, class times, and other obligations. But the journey continues. The journey of the road to Emmaus, of disciples walking with the Lord unknown.

Pax Christi!

Silence

“We need to find God, and He cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.” ~Mother Teresa

I am not always comfortable with silence. With certain friends or at certain times, it is comforting, but often I find myself filling the time with mindless noise. Silence is the only way to find peace though.
Tonight I sat out under the stars to pray. I love the night that comes after a too hot day. With a cool breeze and the world all asleep, I am alone with Him. I pour out my worries and anxieties, everything that kept me away from Him all day. When I run out of words, I close my eyes. In the stillness and silence, He is there. And everything that kept me from Him is no longer important.

Pax Christi!

What is Truth?

In the very long, very beautiful Gospel today one line really struck me. I had never really noticed it before, since it is not a seemingly important part of the story. Jesus is talking to Pilate and says he came to testify to the truth and that those who belong to the truth listen to His voice. Pilate responded saying, "What is truth?"
Jesus made no reply. So what is truth? I feel like in life we are all constantly searching for it. We look for truth, expect the truth from those we meet, but do we ever know what it is? Our world today insists that everything is relative, what is right for you is not right for me. My god is different from your god. Truth becomes nothing more than opinion. So what is truth?
The truth is so far beyond us. Jesus is the truth. Jesus, our God Who came down to earth to give us a sign of His infinite love. Jesus Who suffered a horrendous death at our hands. Jesus Who longs for us, but gives us free will to reject Him. This is the truth. This infinite love. This wonderful God. This Beautiful Savior. This is truth.

Pax Christi!

In His Hands

R. Father, I put my life in Your hands.
In you, O LORD, I take refuge;
let me never be put to shame.
In your justice rescue me.
Into your hands I commend my spirit;
you will redeem me, O LORD, O faithful God.
R. Father, I put my life in Your hands.
For all my foes I am an object of reproach,
a laughingstock to my neighbors, and a dread to my friends;
they who see me abroad flee from me.
I am forgotten like the unremembered dead;
I am like a dish that is broken.
R. Father, I put my life in Your hands.
But my trust is in you, O LORD;
I say, “You are my God.
In your hands is my destiny; rescue me
from the clutches of my enemies and my persecutors.”
R. Father, I put my life in Your hands.
Let your face shine upon your servant;
save me in your kindness.
Take courage and be stouthearted,
all you who hope in the LORD.
R. Father, I put my life in Your hands.

This is the responsorial psalm for Good Friday, the wording of the refrain is a little different than what I've always heard. The words struck me in a different way. I'm still waiting to hear back from this community. I don't even remember how long ago I talked to them about a date. My application was mailed yesterday. And I have this weird feeling inside. I'm not quite comfortable with the idea that I'm called to religious life. I've been thinking about it off and on for years, but it is still such a radical life, so unlike what I have here. The thought of taking another semester off school, of trying it out, and coming back knowing it is not for me is also frightening. I don't want to face people who won't understand- my coworkers and friends mainly. Things keep happening at home that make me want to be here for my family. Even if I get married and have kids, I'd be more available to them than in a community.

But underneath this uncomfortableness is a different feeling. A feeling of peace that this is the next step. It might not be the end destination, but that is irrelevant. I don't know where I am going, God only tells me what I can handle at the moment. This brings peace that this is His Will... I'm putting my life in His Hands, for who could better take care of it? I've already shown in one short year how badly I can mess things up. But He loves me more than I love myself. He loves me so much that He died for me. He loves me so much that He continues to give Himself every day on the altar. He loves me enough to wait in the tabernacle, sometimes for days until I make the time to stop in for a visit. And in return, I'm putting my life in His hands.

Pax Christi!

A Table for Two

This is a story I saw on Tumblr and had to share. As this lenten journey comes to a close I'm praying that I and everyone else will stay just a little closer to Jesus and more steadfast in their walk with Him. Pax Christi!

He sits by himself at a table for two. The uniformed waiter returns to his side and asks, “Would you like to go ahead and order, sir?” The man has, after all, been waiting since seven o’clock–almost half an hour. “No, thank you,” the man smiles. “I’ll wait for her a while longer. How about some more coffee?” “Certainly, sir.” The man sits, his clear blue eyes gazing straight through the flowered centerpiece. He fingers his napkin, allowing the sounds of light chatter, tinkling silverware, and mellow music to fill his mind. He is dressed in sport coat and tie. His dark brown hair is neatly combed, but one stray lock insists on dropping to his forehead. The scent of his cologne adds to his clean cut image. He is dressed up enough to make a companion feel important, respected, loved. Yet he is not so formal as to make one uncomfortable. It seems that he has taken every precaution to make others feel at ease with him. Still, he sits alone. The waiter returns to fill the man’s coffee cup. “Is there anything else I can get for you, sir?” “No, thank you.” The waiter remains standing at the table. Something tugs at his curiosity. “I don’t mean to pry, but…” His voice trails off. This line of conversation could jeopardize his tip. “Go ahead,” the man encourages. His is strong, yet sensitive, inviting conversation. “Why do you bother waiting for her?” the waiter finally blurts out. This man has been at the restaurant other evenings, always patiently alone. Says the man quietly, “Because she needs me.” “Are you sure?” “Yes.” “Well, sir, no offense, but assuming that she needs you, she sure isn’t acting much like it. She’s stood you up three times just this week.” The man winces, and looks down at the table. “Yes, I know.” “Then why do you still come here and wait?” “Cassie said that she would be here.” “She’s said that before,” the waiter protests. “I wouldn’t put up with it. Why do you?” Now the man looks up, smiles at the waiter, and says simply, “Because I love her.” The waiter walks away, wondering how one could love a girl who stands him up three times a week. The man must be crazy, he decides. Across the room, he turns to look at the man again. The man slowly pours cream into his coffee. He twirls his spoon between his fingers a few times before stirring sweetener into his cup. After staring for a moment into the liquid, the man brings the cup to his mouth and sips, silently watching those around him. He doesn’t look crazy, the waiter admits. Maybe the girl has qualities that I don’t know about. Or maybe the man’s love is stronger than most. The waiter shakes himself out of his musings to take an order from a party of five. The man watches the waiter, wonders if he’s ever been stood up. The man has, many times. But he still can’t get used to it. Each time, it hurts. He’s looked forward to this evening all day. He has many things, exciting things, to tell Cassie. But, more importantly, he wants to hear Cassie’s voice. He wants her to tell him all about her day, her triumphs, her defeats… anything, really. He has tried so many times to show Cassie how much he loves her. He’d just like to know that she cares for him, too. He sips sporadically at the coffee, and loses himself in thought, knowing that Cassie is late, but still hoping that she will arrive. The clock says nine-thirty when the waiter returns to the man’s table. “Is there anything I can get for you?” The still empty chair stabs at the man. “No, I think that will be all for tonight. May I have the check please?” “Yes, sir.” When the waiter leaves, the man picks up the check. He pulls out his wallet and sighs. He has enough money to have given Cassie a feast. But he takes out only enough to pay for his five cups of coffee and the tip. Why do you do this, Cassie, his mind cries as he gets up from the table. “Good-bye,” the waiter says, as the man walks towards the door. “Good night. Thank you for your service.” “You’re welcome, sir,” says the waiter softly, for he sees the hurt in the man’s eyes that his smile doesn’t hide. The man passes a laughing young couple on his way out, and his eyes glisten as he thinks of the good time he and Cassie could have had. He stops at the front and makes reservations for tomorrow. Maybe Cassie will be able to make it, he thinks. “Seven o’clock tomorrow for party of two?” the hostess confirms. “That’s right,” the man replies. “Do you think she’ll come?” asks the hostess. She doesn’t mean to be rude, but she has watched the man many times alone at his table for two. “Someday, yes. And I will be waiting for her.” The man buttons his overcoat and walks out of the restaurant, alone. His shoulders are hunched, but through the windows the hostess can only guess whether they are hunched against the wind or against the man’s hurt. As the man turns toward home, Cassie turns into bed. She is tired after an evening out with friends. As she reaches toward her night stand to set the alarm, she sees the note that she scribbled to herself last night. ‘7:00,’ it says. ‘Spend some time in prayer.’ Darn, she thinks. She forgot again. She feels a twinge of guilt, but quickly pushes it aside. She needed that time with her friends. And now she needs her sleep. She can pray tomorrow night. Jesus will forgive her. And she’s sure he doesn’t mind.

Love Letters

I finished my application. It has been almost finished for almost two weeks now and I haven't had the courage to take the final step- copy my letter asking for permission to visit. Tomorrow it goes in the mail. I feel so strange now. I'm still waiting, hoping and praying. It is a combination of chaos and peace. I'm not at rest but the reasons I'm not at rest are all superficial, the pull of the world and my sinful nature. I know as certain as I can be that applying was the right step.

But to the point of this post. I pulled out my box of letters tonight. These are letters starting from 2 and a half years ago when I did service corps (volunteering at the place I am now hoping to visit and maybe even enter). There are notes from my family, the people I lived with, and any other letters I've received that I wanted to keep. I don't often look at these letters anymore. I found that looking back kept me from living in the present, so I put them away. Now I'm worrying too much about the future so I thought a look in the past would put everything in perspective.
As I opened the box and glanced through I thought to myself, "I wish I had love letters from Him." I know that some people regard the Bible or other spiritual books as love letters, but I was longing for something more personal in that moment. Something meant for me and me alone. I sighed and turned back to the box. The first letter I read was written in adoration; my friend began by telling me that she was not responsible for the words, He was. Another mentioned how much God had been working in my heart that summer and I couldn't see it. Two thanked me for things I didn't know I did, things He did through me. I read ten letters or so and was completely blown away. Because He did write me love letters. He wrote them through the words of my friends. He wrote them with all the moments of friendship we shared- the giggles, the tears, the jokes, the whispered conversations, the songs. He wrote them over the course of the past 34 months, knowing that tonight I would be open to and appreciate His gesture of love. I've read these letters before but didn't see Him as clearly as I do tonight.

And all I can think is that this is Holy Week, the commemoration of three great acts of love Jesus performed for us: the institution of the Eucharist, His dying on the cross and His opening of Heaven to us. But He went beyond that to make me smile tonight with this little act of love. I am blown away!

Pax Christi!

Comfort in Trials

This semester has been a long walk with Jesus. I don't feel at home there so I turn to Him. The trials with professors and differing views of my classmates made me search for what I truly believe.

Trials often seem to be the best way to grow close to Him. And that is what this week is really about- joining Him in His trial, comforting Him with our love and devotion during the darkest moments of His life for He exists outside of time. The sacrifices and prayers we make today comforted Him on that agonizing night in the garden, as He stood before Pilate, when the soldiers were mocking Him.

This is such a powerful idea to me, that we can be of comfort to our God who made us. Why should our words and actions mean anything to Him? But they do and we can. So won't you this week?

He's Got the Whole World in His Hands

I was going to write about the conversations I had at school, but this prayer is what is on my heart. It pretty much sums up the interactions I had with my professor and classmates at this "Catholic" institution.

Somedays, like today, the problems in the world are overwhelming to me. The more I learn in college, whether the material or just from conversation, the more I want to be part of a different kind of life. The more I want to find a way to open people's eyes to the lies they are being told. I can't believe the untruths that they believe. But they are searching and don't find the answers they need. Jesus, I know You are the answer, You are the Truth. Help me to share this. Help me to be a solution to the problems in the world.

I pray that someday families will be one, that marriage will be regarded as sacred, that sin will no longer come between siblings, that parents will educate their children in the Faith. I pray that the Church will continue to do Your Will and teach Your Truth. I pray that the world will perceive the good that is in the Church and support it instead of tearing it down. I pray that numbers of the faithful Catholics will grow and that all lukewarm Catholics will embrace the teachings of the Church. I pray that the entire world may be converted, every single soul. I pray that sin will no longer be viewed as acceptable entertainment and that relativism may be wiped from our culture. I pray for the souls who do not realize they should pray. I pray for the souls that are trying to find You, but have no one to show them the way. Find them, Jesus, help them to believe.

Tonight, Jesus, I want to pray for the world.

I Wish I Were the Little Key

I wish I were the little key
That locks Love's captive in
And who lets Him out to go and free
A stricken heart from sin.

I wish I were the little bell
That tinkles for the Host,
When God comes down each day to dwell
With hearts He loves the most.

I wish I were the chalice fair
That holds the Blood of Love
When every flash lights holy prayer
Upon its way above.

I wish I were the little flower
So near the Host's sweet face,
Or like the light that half an hour
Burns on the shrine of grace.

I wish I were the altar, where,
As on His Mother's Breast,
Christ nestles, like a child , fore'er
In Eucharistic rest.

But oh, my God, I wish the most
That my poor heart may be
A home all holy for each Host
That comes in love to me.

God is Love

Today was a beautiful day! The sun was shining, it was too warm. I woke up early and got to the gym and mass. Everything that I wanted to do got done.
I've been thinking since lunch though about something that a fellow student said in passing. She stepped outside and said, "There is a God!"
But His existence is just as real when we cannot see. Just as real on those rainy days when nothing gets done and the traffic is horrible and life doesn't seem worth living. He is there when someone dies, or gets ill or injured. He is there when families fall apart. He is there when relationships end and friendships fade. We cannot fathom the love that went into fitting those crosses, the weight He carried, the blows He softened and prevented.
I wish I could have shared this with my classmate at school. I wish I could share this with the world, this Love I know.

Pax Christi!

Frustration

So Jesus is amazing! I was just sitting down to write a post and the only thing that came to my mind was frustration. Somedays I do not want to live the life He has planned. Keeping my job, finishing college, getting married and raising a family is a more "normal" experience. People will understand that. No, instead He has to call me now to leave college and my job for the unknown. I might be back 6 weeks later and in the same place, only having fallen behind and looking like a fool. It is a choice I can barely explain to my family and yet it really does feel like the right one.
Today my plans for the next couple months at least really felt heavy, like a physical weight on my shoulders. It started with babysitting JJ (an adorable little boy) this morning. For at least the fifth time someone assumed I was his parent. I usually don't say anything because I don't want to get into explaining how he is homeschooled and that is why he is out of school and all the other questions. But today I wished that someday I would have a child and get to spend a morning just talking to them like I do with JJ. Then at work two people found out I had plans to leave (again.) As they joked about how often I've left and come back, the frustration from the morning came back. I want people to think well of me, but this decision means changing plans yet again. I want to explain, but words fail me. So I let them think what they want and admit that I don't know what I'm doing.
All it took was a few words that showed up on my facebook. "I've felt the same way." It wasn't regarding discerning religious vocation, but just about general conversion of your life. Sometimes it is reassuring to know I am not alone. To know that I am not crazy for basing my life on my Faith. And how wonderful it is to have a God who knows this need in my heart and fulfills it before I even ask!

Pax Christi!

Pushed and Prodded

“Jesus does not leave you where He finds you. He may come to you and throw his arms around you but then pretty soon He starts probing you. And pushing you and saying, ‘You can’t stay here. If you stay here, you’ll die.’ He always does that.”
—
David Hughes

This pretty much sums up my lent, or to be more accurate, my time since the youth retreat I went on in February. Every time I take a step closer to Him, I am content to stay at that place for a while. But He wants so much more for me. I find myself nudged along, inspired in prayer to change this or that. I think, "Okay, in a month or so, I'll get on that." But no, He convinces me of the urgency of the matter and so I take another step closer to Him.
This process is encouraging, for I know He cares about me more than I care for myself. I know He has a plan greater than this world. Somedays it is tiring, I do not want to move forward, but this lent has possible been the most fruitful lent of my life. So I am grateful.

Pax Christi!

Coffee

I like coffee. I never thought I would, but it has happened. I started drinking the bitter, gross liquid because I was greatly in need of caffeine. I tried to disguise the taste with cream and sugar, but still was not a fan of it. Today though as I brewed an extra pot to get me through homework this evening I realized I really do like the taste (after I add cream and sugar, I still don't drink it black).

I have a hard time explaining some of my choices to people recently. I don't think I've done a complete life style change in the past couple weeks, but my priorities have changed. There are some activities, movies, television shows, and the like that I am cutting out. I've been reading books that make me question every dollar I spend. Is this a necessary purchase? Can I sacrifice this and give the money to someone more in need? These aren't huge changes and some of the things aren't bad themselves. I've just changed what I spend my time doing.
But especially with my friends who don't know that I am discerning, or who don't understand it, I'm at a loss for how to explain why I'm changing my life around.
But today I realized I like coffee. The more you expose yourself to something, the more it impacts your thoughts. I've decided that the books I read and shows I watch need to support my faith. Otherwise I'm risking an eventual undermining of my beliefs and values.

Pax Christi!

Two Dollars

The more I read about other countries, the more disgusted I get with my own and with myself. I just finished a book called Little Princes about children in Nepal who were trafficked and the efforts being made to find their families. (As as side note, it is a wonderfully written book and a beautiful story!) Before that I read the story of Immaculee. I've heard the numbers from countless speakers at church asking for support from our parish. I volunteered in an orphanage in Jamaica where the children ate 1 simple meal a day and owned nothing for themselves. Their clothes and beds, everything was shared. In most other countries people live on $2 a day. I spent that much on a snack tonight! In many countries, adequate clothing means a pair of shoes and maybe two outfits. I just brought home a huge bag of new clothes today. In countless other countries, children don't reach their 20th birthday because of malnutrition and simple diseases. I'm almost 20 and have never gone hungry.

I haven't decided what I am doing, what I can do. I know life in a community will necessitate a simpler life, if that is where God leads me. But what about now? Why does this disparity even exist? It is disgusting. Working at a fast food place I see so many people eating to the point that it is a health risk. And children die every day from a lack of food...
My mind is blown right now. I just ask that you would pray for the people in our country to wake up. That they would find joy in giving to those in need instead of seeking momentary pleasure in materialism.

Pax Christi!

Six Impossible Things

"I try to believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast. Count them, Alice. One, there are drinks that make you shrink. Two, there are foods that make you grow. Three, animals can talk. Four, cats can disappear. Five, there is a place called Underland. Six, I can slay the Jabberwocky."

Besides the rabbit, this picture reminds me of St. Joan of Arc.

One, the wine I drink at Mass is the blood of my Savior who died for love of me. Two, the bread that I receive at mass is no longer bread but Jesus, my spiritual nourishment for my journey through this world. Three, I can talk to the saints (which include all who have died and are in heaven). Four, there is an invisible spiritual battle going on all around us. Five, there are two places outside this world, Heaven and Hell. Six, by following God's plan for me I can live forever in Heaven.

Pax Christi!

Absolutely Alice

Last night I watched the "new" Alice in Wonderland. It was weird, definitely, but it made me think, which is a sign of a good movie. It took me a long time to figure out that it was more of a sequel to the original than a remake. But anyway, this post is not meant to be a review of the movie, but more of my insights from watching it.

I love the line that Charles Kingsly tells Alice and Alice shares with the Mad Hatter: "I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are." As Catholics, we are called to live our lives in a way that makes no sense to those who do not know Christ. Some are called to live lives in vocations that the world will never understand, to give up everything the world calls good. We are seen as completely mad, but that is a good sign.
"You used to be much more..."muchier." You've lost your muchness." After the Mad Hatter tells Alice this, she tries to prove she still has her "muchness." She starts taking risks again and standing her ground. Children take so many more risks than adults, they trust that they won't make mistakes or that their mistakes will be fixable. That "muchness" is important. You can't succeed without taking risks.
"Who's to say what is "proper"? What if it was agreed that "proper" was wearing a codfish on your head? Would you wear it?" I can't really explain my impression of this, so I'll just share it.

But most of all what struck me was the caterpillar, Absolem's remarks to Alice through out the movie. First he says she is "hardly Alice," then "almost Alice." By the end of the movie, he declares that she is "absolutely Alice." This seems to me to fit our ideas as Catholics. We believe that as we grow in our faith we become more of who we are called to be. So as we start our journey, we are like Alice, not very sure of who we are. Remarks from others can easily confuse us, such as the people who told her she wasn't Alice. The closer we grow to Jesus and knowing the Father's will for us, makes us more certain of who we are in His eyes, more certain of our true self. Then, when we are really living as Christ, like the saints did, we are absolutely true selves, who Christ called us to be. This lent I'm really striving to become absolutely who He wants me to be.

Pax Christi!

On the Road

Yesterday I turned off the radio to say a few prayers in the car. I started talking, out loud, as if Jesus was riding in the car with me. As I thanked Him for His blessings and started listing all the intentions I wanted Him to take care of for me. This thought came to me, that He was in the passenger seat.

As I travel the road, He does not take the wheel. I've heard that phrase and always liked it, because of my apprehension driving. But deeper than that, the idea of having God make the decisions about where I go is reassuring. If He is driving I'd never get lost. This is not the way our faith works however. Jesus is in the passenger seat. He can give us directions if we ask for them. He listens to our frustrations with detours and obstacles. He changes the music when the trip is long or talks with us. He is a friend and navigator, but He does not take control of our lives.
For God to be in control of our lives requires our daily surrender to Him. At each intersection we have to again decided to follow His directions. On the positive side, if we've made a wrong turn, by asking for His directions again, we will get to our destination, just by a slightly different path.

Pax Christi!

Get Lost Tonight

Pax Christi!

Water for the World

Woman at the Well from Taylor Robinson on Vimeo.

"The woman left her water jar and went into the town and said to the people,'Come see a man who told me everything I have done. Could he possibly be the Christ?' "

I'm struck by how the woman immediately went out to the other people, the same people who despised her, to tell them the good news. And she did not yet know for certain. Notice she says He could be the Christ, not He is the Christ. She was uncertain and yet she shared the glimmer of hope she had, not wanting anyone to be left out. That really caught my attention when I first watched the video a few days ago and again today at Mass.

Pax Christi!

Silver Lining

I can't imagine not being Catholic (or in this case, even just Christian). What do non-Catholics do when they encounter suffering? I've always been taught that the "silver lining" of pain is that it can be offered up to God, for the salvation of souls. I think it is a common response of Catholic parents to offer it up. Among my friends, we used to say "All For" when things got rough as a reminder to offer it all for the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

It is nice to know that your suffering has a purpose. To have a philosophy more than "life sucks and then you die." To believe in something that gives a meaning even to the most insignificant things, like the pain from shutting a car door on your thumb. So the next time I offer something up, I think I'll do it for the people who don't know to offer things up.

Pax Christi!

Love Stories

Apparitions are just about the most beautiful thing on earth, in my opinion. When God chooses to come to earth again or send someone else from Heaven shows His continuing concern. Reading the stories of others who have had apparitions or other mystical experiences is akin to reading a love story. I am privy to how God transformed their lives. It is awe-inspiring.
Recently I read a book called Heaven is for Real it is about a 4-year-old protestant minister's son who saw heaven while he was having surgery. The details he recounted from his 3 minute visit to heaven were astounding. The main thing that touched me was the encounter he had with his sister. She was a miscarried baby that he never knew about. He was able to describe what she looked like to his parents later. I have 5 siblings in heaven and except for a brief period when I was 10, never thought much about them. This story reminded me that they are just as real as my brothers who live across the country and one day I will (hopefully) get to meet all of them. So now I talk to them, especially as I'm discerning and filling out paperwork. I was having trouble writing a letter to the founder so I asked them, "Hey Guadalupe, Julian, Conrad, Anthony and Benedict, please help me. I don't know what to write at all." Right after that the right words came to mind in a torrent, just like they were all talking at once.

Last night I looked up another apparition by a four-year-old, Akiane. This girl was raised in an atheistic home. Her family was very private so no one else could have told her about God. Yet, she told her mother of fantastic visions she had. Blessed with an incredible talent for art, she painted pictures of Jesus (including the one here), as well as other people and places she saw. I was listening to an interview with her when she was 10 or 11 and her faith is so beautiful. She said her purpose in painting was to bring others to God, because He is the most important thing. She claims none of her ability as her own, but claims God taught her and gives her the ideas.


I'm also reading He and I which is the conversations a woman, Gabrielle, had with Jesus. This book is most definitely a love story. As I read these books or listen to Akiane's story or even listening to songs by Tenth Avenue North, one thought keeps coming to me over and over: When these people were seeing visions, or being inspired by God, He knew that I would be touched by it years later. He knew exactly how it would affect me, that I needed to hear those words, to know that thought. So their love stories are intertwined with mine, intertwined with the people on the earth today and people I will never meet. This amazing love takes my breath away!

Annunciation

Annunciation
by Joyce Kilmer
"Hail Mary, full of grace," the Angel saith.
Our Lady bows her head, and is ashamed;
She has a Bridegroom Who may not be named,
Her mortal flesh bears Him Who conquers death.

Now in the dust her spirit grovelleth;
Too bright a Sun before her eyes has flamed,
Too fair a herald joy too high proclaimed,
And human lips have trembled in God's breath.
O Mother-Maid, thou art ashamed to cover

With thy white self, whereon no stain can be,
Thy God, Who came from Heaven to be thy Lover,
Thy God, Who came from Heaven to dwell in thee.
About thy head celestial legions hover,
Chanting the praise of thy humility.

Penance

Excerpts from Pope John Paul II Apostolic Exhortation On Reconciliation and Penance [1984] which I found in an article on lovingthechurch.com

1. If we link penance with the metanoia which the synoptics [the Gospels of Matthew, Mark & Luke] refer to, it means the inmost change of heart under the influence of the word of God and in the perspective of the kingdom.

2. But penance also means changing one’s life in harmony with the change of heart, and in this sense doing penance is completed by bringing forth fruits worthy of penance.

3. It is one’s whole existence that becomes penitential, that is to say, directed toward a continuous striving for what is better.

4. But doing penance is something authentic and effective only if it is translated into deeds and acts of penance.

5. In this sense penance means, in the Christian theological and spiritual vocabulary, asceticism, that is to say:

a. the concrete daily effort of a person, supported by God’s grace, to lose his or her own life for Christ as the only means of gaining it;

b. an effort to put off the old man or woman and put on the new;

c. an effort to overcome in oneself what is of the flesh [sinful or tending toward sin] in order that what is spiritual may prevail;

d. a continual effort to rise from the things of here below to the things of above, where Christ is.

6. Penance is therefore a conversion that passes from the heart to deeds and then to the Christian’s whole life.

7. In each of these meanings penance is closely connected with reconciliation, for reconciliation with God, with oneself and with others implies overcoming that radical break which is sin.

8. And this is achieved only through the interior transformation or conversion which bears fruit in a person’s life through acts of penance.

9. The Church’s charism and likewise her unique nature vis-a-vis reconciliation, at whatever level it needs to be achieved, lie in the fact that she always goes back to that reconciliation at the source.

10. For by reason of her essential mission, the church feels an obligation to go to the roots of that original wound of sin in order to bring healing and to re-establish, so to speak, an equally original reconciliation which will be the effective principle of all true reconciliation.

On and On this Lent

I love music. I was planning on that being my career what feels like forever ago, almost 6 years now. When I sing, it is a gift to God, an outpouring of whatever is on my heart. Different songs and artists speak to me at different points in time. Even now, every time I hear certain songs I am put back in the spot I was when I identified with the song. All in All will always remind me of service corps, the friends, the prayer life, everything I experienced that summer. Likewise, the song, "Forget and Not Slow Down" by Relient K brings back all the emotions I was dealing with this past summer. Right now I'm convinced God inspired every lyric written by Tenth Avenue North. Their songs are amazing. I'm pretty sure I've posted several of them already, but here is another one. This lent I'm going on and on with Him.



Pax Christi!

We'll See...

This is an excerpt from an article I did not read...just thought I would put that disclaimer. This section, however, really struck me so I thought I'd share.

Pax Christi!

Fr. Robert Barron on the Japan Earthquake and Tsunami

Can we clarify any further the reasons for the divine “permission” of evil? I might draw upon an old story from the eastern spiritual tradition. A farmer’s horse ran away, and his friends commiserated with him over his loss; but the farmer responded, “we’ll see.” A week later, the horse returned with three others, and his friends rejoiced with him over his good fortune; and the farmer said, “we’ll see.” A week later, his son was riding one of the horses and fell and broke his leg. His friends sympathized with him over this tragedy, and the farmer said, “we’ll see.” The next week, recruiters for the emperors army came to draft the young man into the army but excused him because of his broken leg; the farmers friends congratulated him on his good luck and the farmer said, “we’ll see.” The story goes on in this vein, making the simple but significant point that we never ultimately see the good and evil that might come any set of circumstances. We say that God permits evil so as to bring about a greater good. What possible good could come from the Japanese tragedy? Believers in a provident God and in a life that stretches beyond this one might say, with a serenity born of faith, “we’ll see.”

A Short Road to Perfection

"If you ask me what you are to do in order to be perfect, I say, first-
Do not lie in bed beyond the due time of rising,
give your first thoughts to God;
make a good visit to the Blessed Sacrament;
say the Angelus devoutly;
eat and drink to God's glory;
say the Rosary well;
be recollected;
keep out bad thoughts;
make your evening meditation well;
examine yourself daily;
go to bed in good time,
and you are already perfect."
-John Henry Cardinal Newman

I have a prayer card with this saying on it, I've had it for months or years, I'm not really sure. Most likely, I just found it on one of our bookshelves and it struck my fancy. I've never really tried to follow the guidelines. Right now, I'm just focusing on a few of these things. And I just want to say, the simple lines on the card seem easy. But in practice they are really difficult to do. It isn't the tasks that are difficult but the self-control it takes to perform them. It is all about submitting my will to His Will.
Once again, as I started writing I didn't know where I was taking this topic. But after writing that line, about submitting my will, it made me think of something in the Bible, Matthew 25:23:
"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'
(NOTE: I didn't have this verse memorized.. I love the ability to google two words and find the bible passage I'm thinking about!)
If I can't add these simple tasks of self-denial to my life now, how will I be able to live the evangelical counsels and community life? The journey to wherever I am called starts now, has started already.

Pax Christi!

God Wants You

From St. Teresa of the Andes (1900-1920):

"I'll give you some lights that can help you recognize your vocation… Do you have a strong desire to belong to God alone, and serve Him as much as you can, with the greatest perfection? That was the ideal God proposed to us when He created us: that we should serve Him and love Him above all things. Do you think your heart can be satisfied with the love of creatures, who for the most part and most times are fickle and fleeting? … Do you think that marriage to a young man is a happy venture, with a man with whom you can form a Christian home? Does that attract you? Wouldn't you prefer to belong to God, to live despised and unknown to the world in a convent, forming thousands of Christian hearts, being a mother of those souls, converting and bringing them to God? … Who can love us like God does? No one in the world.

… My dear little sister, think about all this. And if you're able to renounce all these comforts to live with Him, to be the bride of the divine Crucified One – clearly aided by God's grace – it's because God wants you for Himself, and because He's giving you the courage to abandon everything for Him."
Letter 65, To a Girl Friend. Letters of Saint Teresa of The Andes, translated by Michael D. Griffin, Teresian Charism Press, 1994.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

So someone on Facebook posted part of this song, reminding my of it tonight. Just thought I'd share it for St. Patrick's Day and because it helped me refocus on my real purpose after a difficult day.



Be thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that thou art
Thou my best thought, by day or by night
Waking or sleeping, thy presence my light

Be thou my wisdom and thou my true word
I ever with thee and thou with me, Lord
Thou my great Father, and I thy true son
Thou in my dwelling, and I with thee one

Riches I need not, nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance, now and always
Thou and thou only, first in my heart
High King of heaven, my treasure thou art

High King of heaven, my victory won
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's sun
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall
Still be my vision, O ruler of all

Pax Christi!

Speak to Me

The past couple days have been really hard. Life is wearing. The more stress I am under the more I feel the constant pressure of the discernment process. How can I know if this is really the best choice? My bank account was deeply impacted by my minor car accident...does that mean I should keep putting money out for this application? I might have gotten a ticket today, how will that change things? I start to doubt everything...
And then He speaks to me: through a book, through a friend, tonight it was through a song. Not a religious song at all. I was catching up on Glee episodes, trying to calm down from my commute home today. Two characters sang a duet from a song called Candles by Hey Monday. The song's message is not at all related to what I heard; only one line caught my attention: "Someday you will get back everything you gave Me."
He is why I am doing this. It is going to seem crazy to almost everyone. Sometimes it even seems crazy to me. I'm giving up six weeks, one semester. If things work out, maybe I'll be giving up more than that. But I'm gaining so much more. And on top of that, He tells me I'll get back everything I gave up for Him. So what do I have to lose?

Pax Christi!

Blood

I am getting labwork done tomorrow (hopefully) I hate everything about getting labwork, mostly because I hate blood. I hate it. When I was little, I screamed if I thought I had blood on me. (Quite often it was just squashed cherries from our tree.) It really doesn't have to do with pain, obviously.
As I was praying about it though, I remembered the clips from the Passion of the Christ that I recently watched, especially the crucifixion. There was a lot of blood. That scene is perpetually etched in my memory, because the sight of that much blood scarred me. But as much as I hate thinking of that sight, imagine being there. Imagine seeing someone spill that much blood. Imagine seeing someone you love spill that much blood. Imagine someone spilling that much blood for you. Sometimes the reality of our faith gets lost because we hear it too often. Jesus died on the cross for you. I've heard that phrase so many times. Yes I believe it is true, but do I even know what it means?
The Passion movie attempts to portray that reality. While I myself, might never be able to sit through the whole movie I'm trying to think about that reality during this season of lent. I'm trying to make the phrase "Jesus died on the cross for me" a real idea of pain, suffering, death and glory. And part of focusing on that is getting my blood drawn. I don't think I'll like it anymore, but thinking about the Reason I'm getting it done will hopefully make the experience a little less painful.

Pax Christi!

Moving Forward

This video doesn't need any of my words, it is awesome. Just watch.

Pax Christi!

Counting My Blessings

So today I was blessed. I was blessed that I wasn't hurt. I was blessed that my car appears to have no damage. I was blessed that the lady whose car I hit, was just about the nicest person I'd ever like to meet. And this was after I rear-ended her. I was blessed with the grace to not panic and keep calm as we talked about how to handle the situation and exchanged information. I was blessed in that I didn't shake for hours like I did when someone hit me two years ago. I was blessed that I had decided to go into work early, so I wasn't late. I was blessed that as soon as I started my car again, I realized how blessed I was instead of being upset that I got in the accident in the first place.
It is really amazing to be looking at an unfortunate event from this perspective, seeing everything that went right. I can see how God is taking care of me. So now I'll just continue to trust Him, that the cost of the damage to the other car won't keep my plans from moving forward. Or, if I can't go forward, that those plans were not His.

Pax Christi!

Cha-Cha in the Chapel

Cha-cha in the Chapel? That is disrespectful, irreverent, scandalous. Reading the title, I'm fairly certain one of these thoughts crossed your mind. But keep reading.

Here is how I normally approach prayer in the chapel: I sit or kneel in the pew. I am uncomfortable after a few minutes and get distracted by that. I normally am a person who moves around a lot. Staying still so as not to distract anyone else becomes my priority instead of talking to Jesus. I don't express my feelings because, that to could draw attention to me. So, if the conversation I'm having with Jesus is making me want to cry or laugh, I have to stifle those emotions. Weirdly, even if I am alone in the chapel I feel reluctant. Singing, for me, is truly a way to pray twice. But in adoration or chapel, I never sing what is on my heart. Why? For fear of what others would think if they walked by.
But lately this has been bugging me. Why am I so afraid of what others will think? Isn't HE the most important person, since I'm having a conversation with Him? David danced like a fool before the ark. The Psalms are filled with lines telling us to sing, shout and dance for the Lord. God has given us the feelings we have, why don't we express them?
Now I'm not advocating liturgical dance, actually dancing the cha-cha in church or trying any of this during adoration with other people. But if you are alone in the church, why not pray out loud? Or feel free to cry, sing, or dance? He understands. Instead of kneeling, try sitting however you would talking to a friend. For He is your friend, waiting to talk about whatever is on your heart.

Pax Christi!

Heaven is Myself

"Fix it firmly in your mind that this presence of Me in you is not an allegory or fantasy or a metaphor. It's not a story you listen to or something that might have happened to someone else. It has to do with you and Me. It has to do with a reality to be lived.
Then live with assurance and gladness. You will find so much happiness in this and you will give me so much joy. Greet Me often in your own way, in all sorts of ways. I'll love you in every one of these ways of yours.
Run after Me in you. Never give up the chase. Seek Me as Father, Bridegroom, Savior. See Me looking at you. You know I'm waiting for you. Don't be heedless of the moments. Take a flying leap in your free thinking, just as you would if someone said, 'The gates of heaven are wide open.' Heaven is Myself. And it is I Who am in you. Do you thoroughly grasp this?"
-Selection from He and I

Music

Recently, many of my posts have been songs I like, or at least referred to them. Right now I find that music speaks what is on my heart and mind so much better than I ever could. At different points in my life, different artists have been in sync with my thoughts. Reliant K was during the summer of 2009. After college it was lifehouse. Now, it is Tenth Avenue North. I listen to their songs over and over. Just when I think, "Ok, this is getting old," a new line stands out to me. Something hits me, just when I need it.
So this is pretty much pointless, but I thought I'd share anyhow.

Pax Christi!

In Good Company

So I just watched a movie, In Good Company. So the story had the typical "one scene" that gives it the higher rating and attempts to ruin any good in it, but looking past that, this has something more. It doesn't end with the young guy getting the girl, it doesn't end with the girl making the decision to leave her parents "old-fashioned" ways behind. It has a radical ending, in my opinion. Rather than chase after the girl (who told him she isn't ready for commitment, a line I could rant about for a long time) or chase after success, he decides to find what he loves doing.
And the main character agrees with him that it is a good decision. This is radical. It goes against common sense. Common sense says you need security, you need money to pay bills, you go to college, you start working, you fall in love. You don't leave college or a career behind because you aren't at peace. You don't go on a search for peace, because it won't give you money, or food, or shelter.
But I believe the choice the young man made was the right one. As I feel about the decision I'm making. Because it isn't about security, it is about trust. And it isn't about success, it is about peace.

Pax Christi!

Compared to Calvary

This song has so many beautiful lines and images in it, but one particularly struck me today as I drove into work.
Such a tiny offering compared to Calvary, nevertheless we lay this at Your feet.
The more and more serious I grow in this stage of discernment, the more I recognize what I am giving up. Almost every day I think of something new: the luxury of my own car, the freedom to come and go as I please, spending money, phone calls with friends, facebook, holidays with my family, having my own children, getting married, my computer, my dream to go on a roadtrip cross country. I'll stop there because this list could go on for a very long time. Some are not really a big deal. For example, I've given up Facebook in the past and not missed it very much. Others, such as not having my own family are a bigger deal. I know that I will be happier fulfilling God's will, but that doesn't take this desire away. But if I compare these sacrifices that I will be making to Calvary, they are nothing. I will not be in agony doing God's Will. I will not (most likely) die a painful death because I'm doing God's Will. The hardest burden, the hardest path was the one He gave His own Son. In comparison, my cross and my path are so much easier.
How can I not give these things up joyfully in return?

Pax Christi!

Speechless

So I feel like I haven't actually written a post in a while. Since the retreat, I've had no clue where to start. Today though I'm just thinking about how great it is that our God is intimately connected with us. He cares about the details in our lives. He uses countless little things to speak to us.
For instance, as I've been going to Mass more frequently the reading all seem to line up with a decision I'm making. He has blessed me with so many friends who are also discerning, some even with the same community at this time. He uses people around me to answer the questions I've been asking Him in my heart.
This Love is so amazing, I can't even put it into words! <3

Pax Christi!

Easier

It would be easier if You were just a thought in my head
Simply something that I once read
A belief needing my defense

And it would be easier if You were something I once knew
A hope just to hold on
But You're holding out Your hands

The beginning of this song reminds me of something I heard on retreat last week. Jesus is a person. He has feelings. He is waiting for us. It is easier to think of Him as just speaking to the prophets in the past or an authority figure far away. But that isn't the truth. He is a friend, asking to spend time with us, asking us to trust in Him.

Pax Christi!

Peace

There are so many thoughts pouring through my mind since the retreat. I can't even begin to put them into words. I want to, but for once, I can't say a thing. Funny, since I couldn't stop talking on the retreat. But it is what it is. I'm joyful. I'm at peace. Which is weird, because I'm in the middle of thinking through many things and trying to make a life-changing decision. But somehow in the midst of that, I'm at peace inside. It is a wonderful grace.
So instead of writing more about the retreat, I'm going to share a picture I took of the Person Who made it possibly the best weekend of my life.

Story of Your Life

I listen to a lot of music. This song is reminding me of how real the decision I am making right now is. This is my life...not that I am anywhere near saintly, but I've read the stories of saints. The decision they made seem so easy when you read them. Now I'm thinking about how hard it must have been for Clare to follow Francis or Teresa of Avila to leave her order to found another.



Pax Christi!

Popcorn Confessions

Discernment is confusing. You are constantly going against the culture, against expectations, peer pressure, your own desires. Sometimes it is impossible to tell which road is right.
In contrast though, life as a religious is often seen as easier. There aren't the same temptations or murky situations that you find in the world. For example take Bishop Fulton Sheen's famous quote, "Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn." These people spend their lives in constant communication with God, of course their sins are smaller.
I doubt I'll ever get to that point, but I'm hoping that in some small way this journey will get easier in time. Or at least simpler.

Pax Christi!

More Beautiful

I'm back from my retreat and trying to settle back into life. It isn't easy. Anyway here is a song I heard on the retreat for the first time. It made me cry.



Pax Christi!

Retreating

I'd love to write a post, but I really need to get to bed... so here are a few quick thoughts I have about this retreat I'm going on.

I love these people. The girls who attend the retreats are so wonderful. The women who run the apostolate are amazing, holy, hilarious people. And the guys (who I'll see after or before the retreat) are the best guys you'll ever meet.
"Fly from bad companions as from the bite of a poisonous snake. If you keep good companions, I can assure you that you will one day rejoice with the blessed in Heaven; whereas if you keep with those who are bad, you will become bad yourself, and you will be in danger of losing your soul."
-St John Bosco

I learned this from Jordan, who I met at this retreat two years ago. The way she talked about Jesus I felt He was sitting right there with us on the floor. That really changed the way I thought about prayers.

"For prayer is nothing else than being on terms of friendship with God." -St Teresa of Avila

Thank you, Aquinas, for making me feel less guilty for not completing my homework and taking the time off work to see friends.

"It is requisite for the relaxation of the mind that we make use, from time to time, of playful deeds and jokes." -St Thomas Aquinas

But most of all this is why I am going, to get away from all the noise, and just talk to Jesus in the Eucharist.

"In a world where there is so much noise, so much bewilderment, there is a need for silent adoration of Jesus concealed in the Host. Be assiduous in the prayer of adoration and teach it to the faithful. It is a source of comfort and light, particularly to those who are suffering."
-Pope Benedict XVI

Please pray for me while I'm driving to Ohio and on retreat. You will all be in my prayers! Pax Christi!

A Hundred Hearts

I wanted to share the only valentine I've ever gotten (discounting the ones from relatives) Unfortunately a picture would reverse the text and not capture it well. So I recreated it here as best I could. Please pass this valentine on to everyone this Valentine's Day. (Either share the link or copy and paste it elsewhere)

Arise, My love, My fair one,
And come away...
O My dove, in the cleft of the rock,
In the covert of the cliff,
Let Me see your face,
Let Me hear your voice,
For your voice is sweet,
And your face is beautiful.

Happy Valentine's Day!
With all of My heart...forever,
Your Jesus

Only Human

I'm human. In case you didn't know. Right now I'm just realizing it. I'm trying so hard to get everything accomplished, to be everything. I'm going to Mass, I'm working out, I'm trying to get back in the habit of saying the rosary and praying through out the day. I'm taking a management role at work, studying constantly to keep my scholarships. Tonight I realized, it isn't worth it.
These things are all great. But trying to do everything and be everywhere is getting ridiculous. I'm so stressed out I'm no good to anyone, especially God. How can I reach out to others if my life has just become a list of things to do? I have no time to listen to a friend, try to be an example to coworkers, or just sit in the chapel.
As a chronic overachiever, I know that changing will be hard. So I'm going to try this for one week and see how it goes. I'm not going to go to the gym unless I happen to get to school early. I'm not waking up tomorrow early to get a jump start on homework. I'm not studying for my open book test. I'll read the chapters once and that is it. I'll try to get to mass, but if I don't I'll just spend a few minutes in the chapel. I'm going to try to reach out to the people I know are having a hard time, write the letters to people I haven't responded to. I'm going to spend less time checking things of my list and more time listening to what God wants me to do in each moment. And I'll trust Him with working out the details.

Pax Christi!

Pedro's Prayer

I just stumbled across this quote from a holy person I've never heard of, Blessed Pedro Castroverde. I've been saying a prayer like this in my own words for a while now, especially when dealing with situations at work, where I am very uncertain of how God would want me to handle things.

"Lord, may I think what you want me to think. May I desire what you want me to desire. May I speak as you want me to speak. May I work as you want me to work."

Pax Christi!

Love Song

As Valentine's Day approaches, stores fill with red and pink hearts. Stores are filled with chocolates and flowers, the "perfect" gifts. Radio stations play love songs.
I'm listening to a love song, one written just for me. It is the sounds of my family talking in the other room. It is the sound of the phone ringing, a surprise call from a friend. It is the giggling of girls on a retreat. But Jesus does not just use sounds in this love song. There are colors...the dark blue of night as I left campus late, the pink sky I see when I wake up early, the bright white of snow covering the ground. Oh so many details go into this love song. The nights of tears and the moments of overwhelming joy. Each moment, He is singing to me, the words I need to hear, if only I listen. But not only to me, to each person because He loves us each as if there was only one person on earth.
How can I ever return such a love?

Pax Christi!

Beautiful, Majestic, Enduring Church- or Not?

Today I saw the Catholic Church through the eyes of someone with no religion. I heard the Church talked about as if it was refusing to acknowledge the reality of our times. The Church, in this person's eyes, is old-fashioned, filled with ideals that are incompatible with today's world.
I never really thought about the image of the Church that others have. I know the image I see, but is that the image I show to others? To the people at school, I could be the only part of the Church they meet. What do I say about the Church?

Pax Christi!

Thanks and Prayer

Today I woke up early. I went to Mass, worked out, read a inspirational book. I studied for my test until I was confident I knew the material. I attended classes and paid attention. I accomplished everything I intended to do at the start of the day. That's a great feeling to have.
As I started to write I was thinking, "God, what do I have to say besides thank you for a day like this?" But why do I feel the urge to thank Him more on the good days? I've seen in my own life the greater effects that come from adversity. I know they are blessings, perhaps even more so than the miracles we pray for. But that truth doesn't seem to sink in. How often do I thank God for His flawless plan on the days when I am tired and sore and miserable? I'm struggling to remember if I've even done it once.
Another train of thought was about my prayer life. I've heard it said that people come to church more in times of adversity. For me, I feel the opposite is true. It is easy to come to God when things are good. I can open my heart to Him, and just be at peace. But when things are going wrong, whether it be in my family or at work or just internally I shy away from prayer. It isn't easy. I don't want to see another perspective on the situation, or know how I could be better dealing with it, I don't even want to acknowledge it is there. And that means abandoning God. Today, since prayer comes easier I'm going to pray for the strength to continue my prayer life when times get hard again, whether it be tomorrow or next year.

Pax Christi!

The One HE Madly Loves

I love this song. I want to make a cd of all the songs with a similar message and give it to every girl in the world.

I Can't Wait

How often do you use this phrase? If you are like me you use it frequently during the day and constantly in your mind.
I can't wait to graduate college. I can't wait to figure out what my vocation is. I can't wait until this person moves away so I don't have to deal with them. I can't wait until I get to try out the Catholic Corps. I can't wait till the retreat in two weeks. I can't wait till this shift is over.
I don't really dislike the way my life is right now. It is stressful and busy, but I'm fairly happy. Somehow though I'm convinced that life will be better later on. That after college I'll find where I'm supposed to be and everything will be great.
I think we're made to be looking ahead, to be looking and waiting for what comes next. But I don't think that it is the next job, or the next stage of life we are really anxious for. As St. Augustine said, " Our hearts are restless, Lord, until they rest with Thee."
We are really yearning for the next life, in heaven. It isn't until then that we will be able to drop the "I can't wait" feeling. Keeping that in mind for me, means I'll be a little more patient for the things that lie in my future.

Pax Christi!

Skyline Destination

I feel like my future is filled with so many ifs and maybes. I want to know what lies ahead. I like knowing where I'm going, what will happen, what I have to do. It unnerves me when I can't see ahead.
Today as I was driving home I could see the skyline of Philadelphia for the first time in days. The weather had kept me from seeing it for over a week. It is my landmark, how I know I'm on the right highway and headed for the right bridge home.
It kinda struck me this is what I want in life. I want to be able to see my destination or at least the landmarks ahead of me. I want to see the skyline of heaven each and every day. That is what I am working for, I want to be reminded of that.
But in life there are no maps. There are no written instructions of when each things is supposed to happen. You just live it, trusting that if you rely on God, everything will work out. Its scary. Scary like a rollercoaster without any safety constraints. Scary like driving across the country with no maps or GPS. Scary like jumping out of an airplane. But that risk is part of what makes life so wonderful and beautiful, too.

Pax Christi!

Relax, Baby!

It is already February! I can't believe it. Life is great, but so busy and hectic. Between my growing responsibilities at work and the growing pile of homework to do I can really identify with this song. It is hard to remember why we are doing things, or rather Who we are doing them for. We have to take some time to simply relax in His Presence. Going to Mass at school is the best part of my day and I really miss it when I don't go (like today!) because it puts everything into perspective. I realize everything I need is in His arms.
Hope this song helps someone else who is really stressed.





Pax Christi!

The World in Black and White

Today was a miserable day. The sky was gray and the world is covered in the remainder of the last snow storm. The trees are coated with snow and ice. Everything looks different, the lines are clearer. I couldn't help but marvel on my commute to school how much more I notice about the landscape when the colors are gone.
Today at Mass, Father mentioned how the knowledge that we are drinking the blood of Christ, the blood of our hero, changes everything. It changes what we see, what we hear, how we look at the world. For me, the best way to represent this drastic difference is seeing the world in black and white. To see each thing stand out in a way it never has before. To see how it connects to everything else. To see the beauty and the simplicity.
I had a conversation with a friend about how to explain to non-Catholics about what I'm considering doing with my life. A few of my friends know (who aren't Catholic) but we really don't talk about it. I have others who I really don't want to mention it to, because I can't explain clearly why I'm doing this. She said it isn't something that you can explain, it is something you feel. It is a relationship, a love that is so strong you have to follow it. You are compelled to follow this path. There is no way to explain it.
She then went on to say how she felt sorry for those who don't have this relationship. How can you not have this passionate love lighting up your life?
I know what she is talking about, but I have to say I don't have that feeling now. I don't have the passion for Christ and the faith that I've had at other points. I believe it and love Him 100%, but it is different. I go to Mass as often as I can in a week, I pray, I'm trying to explore to figure out where I am called. I have to say, in some ways I like the place I'm in. Sure the passionate light that effects everything is great, but sometimes, it is nice to see things from a different view. My relationship with God is calm, intimate, like old friends talking on a summer afternoon.
So to whoever's reading this, I'm not sure that I made much sense. I had so many thoughts running through my mind today.

Pax Christi!

God So Loved the World

Just thought I'd share this video tonight.

Potential

Everything has the potential for eternity.
Think about that. Everything. I heard this phrase a couple of weeks ago. It has popped in my mind 100 times since.
Everything has the potential for eternity. I can't wrap my mind around that concept. Everything. Every word I speak to another person. Every word I write on Facebook.
Everything.
Eternity is just as hard, if not harder to grasp. The one sarcastic jibe I use to hurt someone today doesn't just have an effect in that moment. So too, a smile or kind word can start a chain of events, leading the person back to God.
Just think about it for a moment.
Everything has the potential for eternity.

Pax Christi!

Family Fun

"Suffering passes, but the fact of having suffered never leaves us." -Leon Bloy

So my family has been through a lot together. Like most people, I got through times when I just want to get away from them. Family are the ones who know what annoys you the most, right?
These past three days have been wonderful though. We made homemade pizza, watched a marathon of movies, laughed, had photo shoots. I didn't once feel like I had to get away and have a break. I genuinely enjoyed spending time with them. I think it is because of the hard times that we are this close. That we can enjoy this time together.
And we have this time, because of the snow. So this is just one more reason I love snow.

Pax Christi!