In His Hands

R. Father, I put my life in Your hands.
In you, O LORD, I take refuge;
let me never be put to shame.
In your justice rescue me.
Into your hands I commend my spirit;
you will redeem me, O LORD, O faithful God.
R. Father, I put my life in Your hands.
For all my foes I am an object of reproach,
a laughingstock to my neighbors, and a dread to my friends;
they who see me abroad flee from me.
I am forgotten like the unremembered dead;
I am like a dish that is broken.
R. Father, I put my life in Your hands.
But my trust is in you, O LORD;
I say, “You are my God.
In your hands is my destiny; rescue me
from the clutches of my enemies and my persecutors.”
R. Father, I put my life in Your hands.
Let your face shine upon your servant;
save me in your kindness.
Take courage and be stouthearted,
all you who hope in the LORD.
R. Father, I put my life in Your hands.

This is the responsorial psalm for Good Friday, the wording of the refrain is a little different than what I've always heard. The words struck me in a different way. I'm still waiting to hear back from this community. I don't even remember how long ago I talked to them about a date. My application was mailed yesterday. And I have this weird feeling inside. I'm not quite comfortable with the idea that I'm called to religious life. I've been thinking about it off and on for years, but it is still such a radical life, so unlike what I have here. The thought of taking another semester off school, of trying it out, and coming back knowing it is not for me is also frightening. I don't want to face people who won't understand- my coworkers and friends mainly. Things keep happening at home that make me want to be here for my family. Even if I get married and have kids, I'd be more available to them than in a community.

But underneath this uncomfortableness is a different feeling. A feeling of peace that this is the next step. It might not be the end destination, but that is irrelevant. I don't know where I am going, God only tells me what I can handle at the moment. This brings peace that this is His Will... I'm putting my life in His Hands, for who could better take care of it? I've already shown in one short year how badly I can mess things up. But He loves me more than I love myself. He loves me so much that He died for me. He loves me so much that He continues to give Himself every day on the altar. He loves me enough to wait in the tabernacle, sometimes for days until I make the time to stop in for a visit. And in return, I'm putting my life in His hands.

Pax Christi!